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ELECTION 2012
GOP Offers To Make Gingrich President Of Moon
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In an apparent effort to mend the rift within their own party, Republican leaders have suggested that if he drops out of the presidential primary race, the GOP will gladly support Newt Gingrich as the first president of the moon should the candidate's plan for a moon colony come to pass.
"We're sure that Gov. Romney would be happy to take up the Speaker's idea of establishing a moon colony as a U.S. state, or whatever it was he proposed, as long as he drops out of the race," suggested current Speaker of the House John Boehner. "And then, once it's established, we can send Newt up to be president of that."
"Hopefully sooner rather than later," he added, effusively.
More and more, the GOP establishment has been rallying around Romney out of fear that Gingrich may end up winning the nomination and prove unelectable against Barack Obama come November.
Even conservative firebrand Ann Coulter, a Romney supporter, has turned on Gingrich. On Fox And Friends this week she called him the "least conservative" of the GOP candidates and noted that he didn't even support her 2006 campaign against puppies and orphans.
"What kind of conservative doesn't support something like that?" she asked, suggesting that Gingrich may have even at one point secretly been an orphan, or a puppy. "Either way I'd like to crush his big gourd of a head underneath my boot heel," she added as Steve Doocy backed away, slowly.
For his part, Romney said he could definitely get behind Rep. Boehner's suggestion of taking up Gingrich's moon plan should Gingrich leave the race.
"There's nothing I'd like better than to see Speaker Gingrich on the moon," said Romney, drawing prompt agreement from the likes of Sen. Tom Coburn, former Sen. Bob Dole, CNN's John King, Gingrich's first wife and Gingrich's second wife.
TV talk show host Nancy Grace, who is preparing to be shot into space as part of NASA's recently announced Shuttle+ program, also approved of the idea of a moon colony, so long as it contained no "sickos, perverts, psychos, criminals, kooks, killers or members of the Casey Anthony jury."
As to whether she thought Speaker Gingrich fit into any of those categories, Grace thought for a moment and responded, "Well, I know he wasn't on the jury."
Gingrich, for his part, noted again at a campaign stop in Miami yesterday that if the Obama administration had spent as much money on the space program as it had on food stamps and fried chicken, "We'd already be floating around a manned U.S. moon colony."
Gingrich said Obama was misguided in squandering this opportunity, and reiterated a point he'd made in his book To Renew America that moon colonization will be especially popular for couples, given the positive effects of weightlessness on sexual intercourse. "Personally I can't wait," he said.
President Obama responded by throwing up a little bit in his mouth.
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