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Romney To Gingrich: Enjoy It Now, You Fat Fuck
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (CAP) - A clearly drunk Mitt Romney, coming down off what he called "a decent showing" in the Florida Republican debate and now opening up a lead over rival Newt Gingrich in the Sunshine State, held an uncharacteristically negative press conference this morning.
"I don't care if I'm drunk!" Romney slurred when a reporter pointed out that he was 'tanked.' "Did you see that fat fuck last night? I want an apology!
"What about last Saturday?" Romney continued. "He acted like it was goddamn coronation!"
Romney's loss in the South Carolina primary was described by pundits as a significant blow to the fomer Massachusetts governor's campaign, where he reportedly expected to easily cruise to the finish line. But after a late loss in Iowa, and Gingrich's stellar debate performances, Romney's poll numbers had taken a turn south prior to the focus on Florida.
All five of Romney's sons tried to hold back the former governor, but he broke away from them and kept yelling.
"He couldn't be faithful to two wives, but he had no trouble staying loyal to pizza!" he said. "You know what the headline should be? South Carolina Votes Yes On Open Marriage. Social conservatives my ass!"
Romney continued haranguing Gingrich, speaking in a childish voice. "Oh look at me, I take shots at the media. La la la. I'm so bold. Oooh take that John King. He thinks he's tough, he'd never say that shit to O'Reilly. Besides, did you see the way he ran up to talk to King after the debate? What a phony.
"And trust me, I know phonies," Romney pointed out as he stumbled backwards, ultimately steadying himself on the podium. "Oh, am I being too wooden now? Is this enough personality for you?"
The journalists remained silent, but Romney specifically addressed one young reporter at the front. "Hey you, look at me. I'm a handsome man, right? Do you realize how many women I could have gotten over the years? But no, I stayed loyal to my wife. I stayed loyal just so I could lose South Carolina to the white version of Tiger Woods. Unbelievable."
Romney then fell to the floor and sat with his legs crossed. "I haven't had a drink in years, but man, this cider is delicious."
Aides slowly dragged the candidate away from the podium, though he kept mumbling quietly to himself. "How did Gingrich get three women? He looks like a pumpkin carved by a blind kid. I didn't mean to yell at everybody, I just really want to be president."
According to a new national Rasmussen poll, news of Romney's press conference sent his numbers to their highest level yet, and he appears to be back to normal, awkwardly reciting American hymns at campaign stops.
"I don't know, I kind of like the other Romney better," said one onlooker. "Oh God, he's doing another hymn."
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