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Glass Of Red Wine Helps Women Ward Off Asshats
LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Women who partake in a glass of red wine while at a bar or other social venue could reduce their risk of exposure to unwanted advances by undesirable members of the opposite sex, according to a new medical study. The study also found that the level of exposure decreased relative to the quality of the wine.
"Even the cheapest of red wine contains enough sophistication to stave off most men who frequent bars," said Dr. Cliff Dunham, who authored the study. "But the more expensive the wine and the more difficult it is to pronounce, the more likely a guy will realize the woman is out of his league."
The study, from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, challenges the long-held belief that any type of alcohol consumption attracts the wrong element, regardless of quantity or type. Researchers say the recent findings could usher in a new era of drinking responsibly and reducing regretful decisions.
"And we're not just talking asshats, but also assholes, assfaces, assfucks, and even asswipes," Dunham said. "The expected climb in the male rate of rejection could turn Darwin's theory on the survival of species on its ear.
"Or, at the least, create a new generation of drunk men who become infinitely more familiar with their own phalanges," added Dunham.
The study's findings are not meant to suggest that women who drink a white or zinfandel wine will be more susceptible to unpleasant encounters, but if more women opt to consume red wine, then the likelihood of such an unpleasant encounter naturally increases as the pool of women without adequate alcoholic protection dwindles.
At the same time, the study noted that other alcoholic beverages do have the opposite effect by attracting a certain element of male. "If you crack open a Schlitz, you might as well tell every guy at the bar to hit on you with the worst pickup lines they can think of," Dunham said.
"Of course, if you're then able to smash the can against your forehead, you're probably pretty safe for the evening," he added.
Not surprisingly, the beer industry has come out against the study, pointing out that Schlitz "hasn't been a real beer since 1980." A number of domestic brewers have teamed up to refute the results of the study but thus far have been unable to do anything except substantiate the claims.
"I, uhh, checked with our marketing department and turns out 21- to 49-year old male asshats actually is our target demographic," said one beer company representative who asked not to be identified. "Apparently one of the main uses of our product is to provide a liquid excuse for men who want to say or do stupid things. Who knew."
The study will be published in this month's Journal of Unrefuted Gynocentric Studies and will likely eventually appear in Redbook, Women's Day and Cosmo.
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