Thursday | March 28, 2024
Study: Nickelodeon Writers High 22 Hours Per Day

NEW YORK (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center has found that writers for the cable network Nickelodeon, featuring children's programs such as Big Time Rush and iCarly, are high on various, primarily illegal substances an average of 22 hours of every day.

"It's fascinating - one might expect that they were high during work hours, looking at their output," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel, who conducted the study. "But apparently their states of inebriation stretch far beyond the end of business hours.

"It seems they need to remain impaired to withstand the ... wait, let me check my notes ... 'depressing, almost soul-crushing nature' of the work," he said. "Interestingly, almost all of them used that exact phrase."

According to the study, the substances the writers used to sustain their almost perpetual state of drug-fueled intoxication seem to vary depending on the show they work on. For instance, the writers for SpongeBob SquarePants, who generally reported the highest level of job satisfaction among the Nickelodeon writers, use marijuana almost exclusively.

Writers for iCarly, on the other hand, use "tremendous" amounts of cocaine to get through their workdays, while writers for the new Fred Show, featuring frenetic YouTube sensation Fred Figglehorn, spend most of the day huffing Dust-Off, a computer cleaning spray.

"It hasn't been officially reported, but for at least three Fred writers, the habit has apparently proved fatal," said Spitznagel. "General consensus among the surviving writers was that the victims were better off."

The constant drug use has had its negative effects on the various productions, particularly when it's spread to the performers, the study found. For instance, police were called to the set of iCarly when Jennette McCurdy, who plays Sam on the show, tore off a stagehand's arm and beat him with it in a cocaine-fueled rage.

"Then there are all those times she did that completely sober," said her co-star Jerry Trainor, who admitted to being "deathly afraid" of her.

The constant drug use at Nickelodeon stands in stark contrast to practices at rival network the Disney Channel, where the writing staffs are reportedly motivated by routine beatings.

"And starvation," added one Wizards Of Waverly Place writer who declined to be named.

Unlike the network's actors, however, Disney Channel writers are not locked into boxes in the studio after work each night. "Disney isn't run by complete monsters," said the writer after one of his beatings.

Nickelodeon has declined to comment specifically on the results of the Pew study, although network CEO Jeff Dunkirk previously confirmed that its trademark green slime can have hallucinatory effects in high doses.

"Justin Beiber reportedly imagined his flesh was being eaten by Rebecca Black for several days after almost being slimed to death at the Kids' Choice Awards," Dunkirk told Teen Beat magazine last year. "We feel bad about that."

Meanwhile, writers for the Nickelodeon show The Fairly Oddparents declined to comment for this article, releasing a statement through a spokesperson that their addiction to snorting horse had left them unable to speak.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE showbiz NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2024 BY CAP NEWS
Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Donald Trump picks Matt Damon as his running mate, says the pair have successfully alienated women, Muslims, Mexicans, blacks and gays, just need to offend Jews and Asians for the clean sweep «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «»
Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Donald Trump picks Matt Damon as his running mate, says the pair have successfully alienated women, Muslims, Mexicans, blacks and gays, just need to offend Jews and Asians for the clean sweep «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «»