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Iran Sentences US Man To Cleaning Toilets
TEHRAN, Iran (CAP) - Iran's Revolutionary Court has sentenced an American-born Iranian man to five years of hard labor after finding him guilty of spying for the United States. The 42-year-old Maryland native, whose name is being withheld, will be forced to clean toilets in public restrooms and other such venues for the duration of his sentence.
"The United States unilaterally opposes the court's decision as a direct violation of the Geneva Convention," said Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton. "I mean, have you ever seen an Iranian toilet? They're not what you'd call the kings of hygiene over there."
The United States categorically denies that the unidentified man is a spy, noting that clicking on the website doesamericahavespiesinmycountry.com from an Iranian IP Address results in a 'no' response. Clinton said that while the White House is drafting a strongly-worded letter to Iran sternly requesting the man's release, President Obama is prepared to take additional action if those demands are not met.
"Operation Urinal Cake will ensure this American citizen has adequate cleaning supplies to ease the burden of his punishment until we can secure his release," Clinton said. "Or, at the least, a pair of those yellow rubber gloves that go all the way up to your elbow."
During the reign of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iranian bathroom etiquette has deteriorated to the point where flushing items such as sanitary napkins or paper towels has become the norm, if they flush at all. Attempts at imposing sanctions to force Iran to implement cleaner standards such as those toilet bowl bars that turn the water blue have been met with defiance time and again.
"I remember it got to the point where we'd make sure to stop in Turkey so everyone could go and then not stop again until we got to Afghanistan," recalled former Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice as she discussed her many trips to the Middle East. "Which wasn't the easiest thing to do seeing as Dick [Cheney] could barely make it from one end of an airport to the other, let alone across an entire country."
World reaction to the sentence has been mixed, with other Middle Eastern nations pointing out that U.S. troops "aren't exactly dainty themselves" when it comes to treatment of foreign bathrooms. Great Britain, who recently passed a ruling allowing women to stand while they pee, backed the U.S. but said this could serve as an educational situation instead of a divisive one.
"Most third world countries don't have the industrialization necessary to meet modern toilet standards, nor the knowledge of rhyming verse to create catchy phrases as reminders," said British Prime Minister David Cameron. "If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down.
"Water conservation and toilet etiquette all in one - brilliant," added Cameron. "Slap that baby on some placards, post them in Iranian bathrooms, and all this becomes quite moot."
Iran's highest court still needs to uphold the ruling before the man is officially sentenced, but pundits feel that is simply a formality since the court recently ruled that employees in Tehran eating establishments do not need to wash their hands before returning to work.
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