Monday | April 27, 2015
Guards Beat Up Pols Trying To Kiss Beyonce's Baby
Rick Santorum [L], Newt Gingrich [C] and Mitt Romney [R] arrive at the hospital, unaware they're just minutes away from having the living tar beat out of them.

NEW YORK (CAP) - While en route from New Hampshire to South Carolina, several GOP presidential candidates stopped in New York and were "beaten senseless" by personal security personnel after attempting to kiss Beyonce and Jay-Z's newborn baby, Blue Ivy Carter.

"It was just supposed to be a photo op," said a clearly shaken Bob Franklin, campaign supervisor for Rick Santorum, who remained in intensive care at Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan, where the incident took place. "He wasn't within 10 feet of that baby before those guys were all over him like a sinful homosexual man on his illegitimate same-sex partner."

"Actually, those were the senator's words ... He said it just before he passed out from loss of blood," noted Franklin.

The superstar couple has come under fire for using their personal security team to restrict the movement of visitors and even other patients at the hospital during their stay there. The guards reportedly harassed hospital personnel, visiting fathers and at least two new mothers, plus Kanye West, who was there to declare Blue Ivy "one of the best babies of all time."

"We didn't recognize him at first," explained Richard "Runk" Runkwoksi, the head of the security detail, who noted on West's latest album cover, he was pixilated.

West was eventually admitted entrance, but both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, like Santorum, sustained injuries when approaching the baby with outstretched lips, according to sources close to the hospital.

Gingrich hadn't even gotten off the elevator when the security force, made up of former Navy SEALs and several Hells Angels, began beating him with broom handles.

"I tried to ask them, Do you know who I am?, but they kept calling me Pillsbury Dough Boy and poking me in the tummy with their broom handles," Gingrich told authorities afterwards.

According to a police report, Gingrich also claimed the guards took a diamond wristwatch he had bought at Tiffany's on the way to the hospital. "That watch was for my girlfriend!" Gingrich told police, then adding that by "girlfriend" he meant "wife."

Romney was actually allowed admittance into the couple's room, having arranged to meet them and the baby prior to his visit, according to Romney's spokesperson, Carol Fernstrom. But he was soon "roughed up" by Jay-Z and Kanye West after they recognized him as "the guy who messed with [LMFAO member] Sky Blu on the plane that time."

"Kanye kept saying, I'm sorry, but LMFAO had one of the best party rock anthems of all time, and poking Romney in the chest," said Roxanne Burke, a registered nurse in the room at the time. "Then Jay-Z pantsed him and the whole security detail burst out laughing at his magic underpants. It was pretty ugly."

According to sources close to the couple, they have put the security detail on permanent retainer, and plan to use the trained guards to restrict the movements of Blue Ivy's nannies, schoolteachers, playmates and eventual boyfriends, and to use physical force where necessary.

"And it's pretty much always necessary," said Runkowski.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»