Tuesday | August 22, 2017
Google Steps Up Charity To Atone For All Their Bad Shit
At the new Google Soup Kitchen, where each meal is carefully targeted to every homeless person who walks through the door

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - Google CEO Larry Page has announced plans to increase his company's charitable donations throughout 2012 in order to make up for the terrible things the search giant is undertaking both behind the scenes and in the public eye.

"Sometimes people ask me in the street, Hey Larry, how come the ads in Gmail change depending on the words in the email? Isn't that a privacy issue?" Page said. "And I always make a mental note to donate another million to some poverty fund, because yes, we're totally crossing the line there."

Between the likes of Google Print, which many purport breaches copyright laws, and You Tube, which places ads onto all videos, including those that also infringe on copyright, charities around the globe can expect some major windfalls of cold hard cash from the Google coffers.

Whole communities and perhaps even entire third world countries could very well be raised out of poverty thanks to the company's blatant disregard for boundaries.

"Eventually Page is going to compensate the world for the damage he's doing," said an industry insider. "If you think Zuckerberg and Gates felt guilty, you've haven't seen anything yet.

"I shouldn't say this, but do you know when you go to the optometrist, and they map your eye?" noted the insider. "Who do you think is responsible for that?"

Sources close to Mark Zuckerberg say the Facebook boss is none too pleased with Google's free media ride. "They made an entire movie to make me look like an asshole," he said. "All because I gave people a chance to live out their narcissistic fantasies.

"But Google's way worse," Zuckerberg added. "People imagine a day when we'll have Google in our brains, but I've got news for you: it won't be optional."

Google officials are revealing no specifics about their upcoming plans, but sources inside the company say they have something to do with children and volcanoes.

"I know it looks bad," said Page, brushing some ash off his shoulder. "But I want to expand the company a little more before I have that end of life guilt stuff. Besides, look at it this way - if I don't do all this overreaching now, charities will get less money in the future.

"Is that what you want?" questioned Page. "I think I've made my point."

To that end, Page did hint at the creation of Google Charity, an online giving site that allows users to donate to their favorite charity with just the click of a button. "We will, of course, take a cut of everything before it goes out the door," noted Page. "It's the Google way."

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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