Saturday | April 19, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@CarlLevin #AnAngelInDisguise
Sen. Carl Levin speaks for the animals who don't have a voice.
FROM THE VAULT
April 19, 2007
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast AugmentationClinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Fake Advertisement

CELEBRITIES

Katy Perry, Russell Brand Vow To Remain Frivolous
Russell Brand
Katy Perry, Russell Brand Vow To Remain Frivolous

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Despite filing for divorce last week, pop superstar Katy Perry and her hubby of 14 months, actor/comedian Russell Brand, have vowed that they will remain just as silly and moronic as ever.

"Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage," wrote Brand in a statement. "I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain the same headline-grabbing narcissists separately that we were together."

Perry declined to comment specifically on the split, instead releasing another picture of herself in a blue wig with giant, cherry-topped cupcakes affixed to her breasts, and kissing a girl, reportedly liking it.

The couple has already received advice from another recent celebrity bride, Kim Kardashian, whose marriage to NBA star Kris Humphries lasted 72 days before ending when she found out he was gay, or collected her paycheck from their TV special, or began to recover from concussions received during a 2009 celebrity boxing episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

"Katy and Russell need to get right back to doing what they've always done, namely drawing attention to themselves by whatever means possible," said Kardashian, who this week received $600,000 to be vapid at a New Year's Eve event in Las Vegas. "I know that's what helped get me through after my marriage ended with that tall man."

Katy Perry, Russell Brand Vow To Remain Frivolous
Katy Perry

After she broke it off with Humphries in October, Kardashian pledged to remain as pointlessly exhibitionistic as ever, citing her recent full-frontal nude photo layout for The Economist. "I know that's what that guy I married would want," she said.

As for Humphries, he asked, "What happened? Who am I? Why am I here?" and then cried.

Several other couples that suffered high-profile breakups in 2011 also promised to remain frivolous after dissolving their vows. Among them are Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, who split in November after Kutcher allegedly had affairs with San Diego party girl Sarah Leal and co-stars Natalie Portman, Katherine Heigl, Margarita Levieva and Jon Cryer.

"Demi and I will remain forever ridiculous," said Kutcher, who plans to continue to flirt with girls in camera commercials and attempt to bring on the apocalypse. As for Moore, after six years of marriage to the much-younger Kutcher, she plans to resume aging.

Another couple that has bounced back after a tough split is Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner, 85, and his former fiance Crystal Harris, 25. "Just because we didn't get married doesn't mean I can't still take my clothes off and release un-listenable disco records," noted Harris from the set of her new Bravo reality show, Crystal Harris: Naked And Un-Listenable.

And Hefner is following the advice he gave to another high-profile couple in trouble, Santa and Mrs. Claus, by remaining in his pajamas and preying on ever-younger girls with fake breasts and serious self-esteem issues.

"Live and learn," Hef tweeted after the breakup, followed quickly by, "Not really."


- CAP News Staff

MORE showbiz NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action" to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person." «» Fresh off her rousing rendition of Make New Friends at the Golden Globes, actress Diane Keaton has announced she will be recording a collection of creepy children's favorites. Entitled Lullabyes For Serial Killers, the album features Keaton putting original Brothers Grimm fairy tales to song after getting herself liquored up. «» Justin Bieber has clarified the confusion surrounding his supposed retirement tweet, saying that he meant he was retiring for the night, not from music. "I had just learned this new vocabulary word, yo, and wanted to use it," he said. "Retire also means go to bed - how wack is that?" «» Jewish activists are outraged over anti-gay remarks made by Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, saying they feel slighted at being left out of his diatribe. "Oy, look at all the sympathy gays are getting because of this," said one Jewish leader. "We Jews could use a little of that!" «» Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free." «» Eclectic singer Lady Gaga has admitted to CAP News that while the applause is indeed a fantastic motivator, she also lives for the paycheck. "Clapping alone does not millions of dollars make," Gaga said. "Little monsters emptying daddy's wallet to come see me prance around in outrageously expensive outfits does." «» Legendary rocker John Oates has been elected into the Freeloaders Hall Of Fame for "a decade of service riding Darryl Hall's coattails to six #1 songs" and nine more Top 10 hits. Oates joins the likes of Andrew Ridgely, Jim Messina and Art Garfunkel in being elected unanimously by judges. «» Esquire magazine has named actress Scarlett Johansson their Sexiest Photoshopped Woman for 2013, beating 2012 winner Mila Kunis. "We airbrushed a whole bunch of women and Scarlett came out the best," said editor David Granger. "You should have seen what I did with my Aunt Mildred - so long, liver spots!" «» Seventeen people were arrested yesterday during the premiere of the new Grand Theft Auto reality show, GTA: 25 To Life. While the winner is the last one to avoid being arrested, producers say with only eight contestants left after the first episode, the series may not run a full season. «»
    NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action" to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person." «» Fresh off her rousing rendition of Make New Friends at the Golden Globes, actress Diane Keaton has announced she will be recording a collection of creepy children's favorites. Entitled Lullabyes For Serial Killers, the album features Keaton putting original Brothers Grimm fairy tales to song after getting herself liquored up. «» Justin Bieber has clarified the confusion surrounding his supposed retirement tweet, saying that he meant he was retiring for the night, not from music. "I had just learned this new vocabulary word, yo, and wanted to use it," he said. "Retire also means go to bed - how wack is that?" «» Jewish activists are outraged over anti-gay remarks made by Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, saying they feel slighted at being left out of his diatribe. "Oy, look at all the sympathy gays are getting because of this," said one Jewish leader. "We Jews could use a little of that!" «» Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free." «» Eclectic singer Lady Gaga has admitted to CAP News that while the applause is indeed a fantastic motivator, she also lives for the paycheck. "Clapping alone does not millions of dollars make," Gaga said. "Little monsters emptying daddy's wallet to come see me prance around in outrageously expensive outfits does." «» Legendary rocker John Oates has been elected into the Freeloaders Hall Of Fame for "a decade of service riding Darryl Hall's coattails to six #1 songs" and nine more Top 10 hits. Oates joins the likes of Andrew Ridgely, Jim Messina and Art Garfunkel in being elected unanimously by judges. «» Esquire magazine has named actress Scarlett Johansson their Sexiest Photoshopped Woman for 2013, beating 2012 winner Mila Kunis. "We airbrushed a whole bunch of women and Scarlett came out the best," said editor David Granger. "You should have seen what I did with my Aunt Mildred - so long, liver spots!" «» Seventeen people were arrested yesterday during the premiere of the new Grand Theft Auto reality show, GTA: 25 To Life. While the winner is the last one to avoid being arrested, producers say with only eight contestants left after the first episode, the series may not run a full season. «»