Friday | September 4, 2015
Katy Perry, Russell Brand Vow To Remain Frivolous
Russell Brand

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Despite filing for divorce last week, pop superstar Katy Perry and her hubby of 14 months, actor/comedian Russell Brand, have vowed that they will remain just as silly and moronic as ever.

"Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage," wrote Brand in a statement. "I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain the same headline-grabbing narcissists separately that we were together."

Perry declined to comment specifically on the split, instead releasing another picture of herself in a blue wig with giant, cherry-topped cupcakes affixed to her breasts, and kissing a girl, reportedly liking it.

The couple has already received advice from another recent celebrity bride, Kim Kardashian, whose marriage to NBA star Kris Humphries lasted 72 days before ending when she found out he was gay, or collected her paycheck from their TV special, or began to recover from concussions received during a 2009 celebrity boxing episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

"Katy and Russell need to get right back to doing what they've always done, namely drawing attention to themselves by whatever means possible," said Kardashian, who this week received $600,000 to be vapid at a New Year's Eve event in Las Vegas. "I know that's what helped get me through after my marriage ended with that tall man."

After she broke it off with Humphries in October, Kardashian pledged to remain as pointlessly exhibitionistic as ever, citing her recent full-frontal nude photo layout for The Economist. "I know that's what that guy I married would want," she said.

As for Humphries, he asked, "What happened? Who am I? Why am I here?" and then cried.

Several other couples that suffered high-profile breakups in 2011 also promised to remain frivolous after dissolving their vows. Among them are Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, who split in November after Kutcher allegedly had affairs with San Diego party girl Sarah Leal and co-stars Natalie Portman, Katherine Heigl, Margarita Levieva and Jon Cryer.

"Demi and I will remain forever ridiculous," said Kutcher, who plans to continue to flirt with girls in camera commercials and attempt to bring on the apocalypse. As for Moore, after six years of marriage to the much-younger Kutcher, she plans to resume aging.

Another couple that has bounced back after a tough split is Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner, 85, and his former fiance Crystal Harris, 25. "Just because we didn't get married doesn't mean I can't still take my clothes off and release un-listenable disco records," noted Harris from the set of her new Bravo reality show, Crystal Harris: Naked And Un-Listenable.

And Hefner is following the advice he gave to another high-profile couple in trouble, Santa and Mrs. Claus, by remaining in his pajamas and preying on ever-younger girls with fake breasts and serious self-esteem issues.

"Live and learn," Hef tweeted after the breakup, followed quickly by, "Not really."

- CAP News Staff

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Los Angeles institutes Shower Shaming, asking residents to rat each other out if anyone wastes water and bathes more than once per week «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»