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Rick Perry To Vie For North Korea Dictatorship
AUSTIN, Tex. (CAP) - With his U.S. presidential bid starting to circle the bowl, Tex. Gov. Rick Perry is taking his political prowess to a new arena by announcing his bid for the leadership of North Korea. The move is reminiscent of John Kerry's 2006 run for the Mexican presidency.
"Well let's see now: president, or supreme commander - which would you choose?" Perry said as he announced his intentions at a diner in Storm Lake, Iowa. "So I've decided to toss my hate into the ring - err, I mean, hat. Toss my hat. Now if that ain't a Freudian slip.
"Say, can I get a refill on this coffee?" Perry quickly added.
Perry told patrons at the diner that with the death of leader Kim Jong Il, North Korea is "ripe for the Texification." He said that even though he's a U.S. citizen, Americans shouldn't expect to curry any favors with him once he takes control of the longtime U.S. adversary because he'll have a job to do and "those missiles aren't going to test themselves."
"Don't get me wrong - I love the United States," said Perry. "Well, except for the whole melting pot thing. I think my talents are best served where everybody's white like me and they want to listen to what I have to say. Or, don't have a choice."
When reminded by a reporter that North Koreans are actually Asian, Perry pointed out that he doesn't care "what kind of white they are," just as long as they "aren't that gay kind of white." He then mentioned how they must have really good Chinese food "over there."
Perry's campaign advisors confirmed to CAP News that the now former presidential candidate planned to take the name Kim Jong Rick once in North Korea so he would "blend in better" with his people. And in keeping with the Kim family tradition of naming his own political position once in power, he intends to call himself the exalted grand poobah of Perry's Republic of North Korea.
"Well, that's how it translates into English, anyway," one advisor said. "I'm sure it sounds a lot more menacing in the Korean native tongue."
Perry's political rivals took the news of his departure in stride, offering their fellow GOP contender well wishes and then quickly turning to divvying up his dwindling number of supporters between them. Newt Gingrich was the first to call dibs on Perry's ballot signatures for the Virginia primary.
"One can never have enough stodgy white folk in your corner in this political age," Gingrich told supporters at his monthly Win One For The WASPs brunch in Richmond, Va. "We'll get on this ballot by hook or by crook, by gum. Which may or may not be a euphemism."
Meanwhile, Perry has just about put the finishing touches on a new campaign video entitled Slanty that he hopes will endear himself to the Korean people.
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