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Study: Straight Marriage Wicked Good For Gay Health
COLORADO SPRINGS (CAP) - Hot on the heels of a Massachusetts study which found improved health among gay men who participate in same-sex marriage comes a new study out of Colorado that suggests straight marriage is "really, really good" for gay men's health. The study was funded by public interest groups Focus On The Family and the National Organization For Marriage.
"It stands to reason that if gays have pretty good health when they marry each other, then they'll have wicked good health if they get married the right way," said FOTF president Jim Daly. "There's nothing like the love of a good woman to keep a gay man healthy, wealthy and straight."
The study looked at 1,200 married men who obtained permission from their wives to take part in the study, concentrating on different focus areas such as personal hygiene, wardrobe selection and original thought. Unhealthy habits that had manifested themselves during the men's single days had completely disappeared once married, leading to healthier, longer and more fulfilling lives.
"Liver health and memory retention went way up once the married men stopped going out drinking with the guys," said NOM president Brian Brown. "And showering more often than once per week actually increased everyone's health within a five foot radius.
"How can that not appeal to the health-conscious gay man?" Brown asked.
The study also cited statistics that show hundreds upon hundreds of straight marriages that have lasted upwards of 20, 30 and even 40 years, whereas not a single same-sex marriage has even lasted a decade. Additionally, gay divorce was unheard of prior to 2004, but has steadily increased in frequency over the past half dozen years.
"See, gays aren't really in it for the long haul," said Daly. "Straight marriage has been around forever, but gay marriage is just a fad - like leg warmers, or Garbage Pail Kids, or Pauly Shore.
"And God knows there's nothing the least bit healthy about Pauly Shore," Daly added.
Daly also pointed out that the results of the original Massachusetts study related only to legal same-sex marriages, not "those back alley marriages your garden variety gays are famous for." And with gay marriage legal in only six states, "that leaves a lot of them gays in a very unhealthy position," Daly said. "So to speak."
Republican presidential nominees have also been weighing in on the health benefits of straight marriage while on the campaign trail, with former congressman Rick Santorum changing his stance from anti-gay to pro-health and Tex. Gov. Rick Perry changing the guest list for the annual "Lock Up The Gays" rally to include only those participating in an unhealthy gay lifestyle.
"Ladies and gentlemen, straight marriages are so healthy and so good for you, I've had like three of them," Newt Gingrich said as he signed 47 anti-gay pledges simultaneously with a commemorative pen.
Meanwhile, researchers have begun looking into the positive effects of really hot lesbian marriage on straight men's health.
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