Sunday | May 29, 2016
Post Office To Pay Tribute To Glory Days Of Porn
Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe explains how the post office's new Automated Porn Kiosks [inset] work.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In an effort to save its flailing industry, the U.S. Postal Service has announced plans to increase revenue by delving into the lucrative business of pornography. USPS officials hope a nostalgic approach to porn will help prevent the closure of hundreds of post offices throughout the country.

"Some of my fondest memories as a boy were seeing that brown paper-wrapped magazine come in the mail for my dad and trying to sneak a peek before he got home," said Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe. "Then after dinner he'd scoop up all the mail and head to the den to pay some bills. Ahh, to be a kid again."

According to Donahoe, the postal service has signed an agreement with three major porn publishing companies - including Larry Flynt Publications, Playboy Enterprises and Mavety Media Group - to work together to increase circulation of their magazines which has steadily declined since the advent of the Web. The partnership will use old subscriber lists to try to lure people back.

"You think the Internet is the only place that tracks all the seedy things you do privately?" noted Donahoe. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are the original Google. We know all your habits based on the mail you get - and we will do everything we can to exploit that and save our asses, believe you me."

While the focus of the effort is on the financial stability of the postal service, Donahoe said one positive byproduct will be that father-son relationship, something which has also waned over the past couple of decades.

"What memories are today's youth really creating? Hey, I remember when I used to sneak onto my dad's smartphone and play Angry Birds?" said Donahoe. "Nothing matches the thrill of rooting your hand around under your parents' mattress and finally laying your fingers on that glossy magazine cover. That's the stuff memories are made of."

In addition to discretely-wrapped magazines, the post office also plans to deliver weekly porn advertising postcards to every 14-year-old boy in the country, offering cut rate subscriptions and free shipping on toys and other accessories ordered from the backs of the magazines. Donahoe said he knows they're facing stiff competition with the Internet.

"Our long term viability depends on us creating a new generation of subscriber," Donahoe said. "And let's face it, kids, your parents know what you do online, and they're getting smarter about blocking it. They'll never see this coming.

"You can't sneak a computer into a bathroom stall at school, if you know what I'm saying," Donahoe added.

The post office is also launching a commemorative stamp series featuring popular porn models that it hopes will attract a new breed of stamp collector. The first stamp featuring Playboy's Miss April 2011 Jaclyn Swedberg goes on sale early next month.

"And who wouldn't want to lick that?" noted Donahoe. "The stamp, I mean."

For more information on the postal service's efforts to remain solvent in the age of digital delivery, visit them on the web at http://www.usps.com.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2016 BY CAP NEWS
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Dell officials admit they should have spent the extra $199 to get the extended three-year warranty after purchasing EMC but didn't want to "break the bank" by overspending on the deal «» Noting he is "a friend to women," Donald Trump lashes out at Playboy's decision to remove nudity from the magazine, saying it is a misogynistic move that will put many beautiful women out of work «» Guy who created 'Throwback Tuesday' not deterred by his failure, hopes for better success with 'Shit On Your Ex Sunday' and 'Post A Viral Video Of You Doing Something Illegal Wednesday' «» Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step" «» McDonald's to begin offering 'Cranky Meals' for kids whose parents have "had it up to here" but can't be bothered to actually cook dinner «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Dell officials admit they should have spent the extra $199 to get the extended three-year warranty after purchasing EMC but didn't want to "break the bank" by overspending on the deal «» Noting he is "a friend to women," Donald Trump lashes out at Playboy's decision to remove nudity from the magazine, saying it is a misogynistic move that will put many beautiful women out of work «» Guy who created 'Throwback Tuesday' not deterred by his failure, hopes for better success with 'Shit On Your Ex Sunday' and 'Post A Viral Video Of You Doing Something Illegal Wednesday' «» Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step" «» McDonald's to begin offering 'Cranky Meals' for kids whose parents have "had it up to here" but can't be bothered to actually cook dinner «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»