Tuesday | August 4, 2015
Post Office To Pay Tribute To Glory Days Of Porn
Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe explains how the post office's new Automated Porn Kiosks [inset] work.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In an effort to save its flailing industry, the U.S. Postal Service has announced plans to increase revenue by delving into the lucrative business of pornography. USPS officials hope a nostalgic approach to porn will help prevent the closure of hundreds of post offices throughout the country.

"Some of my fondest memories as a boy were seeing that brown paper-wrapped magazine come in the mail for my dad and trying to sneak a peek before he got home," said Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe. "Then after dinner he'd scoop up all the mail and head to the den to pay some bills. Ahh, to be a kid again."

According to Donahoe, the postal service has signed an agreement with three major porn publishing companies - including Larry Flynt Publications, Playboy Enterprises and Mavety Media Group - to work together to increase circulation of their magazines which has steadily declined since the advent of the Web. The partnership will use old subscriber lists to try to lure people back.

"You think the Internet is the only place that tracks all the seedy things you do privately?" noted Donahoe. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are the original Google. We know all your habits based on the mail you get - and we will do everything we can to exploit that and save our asses, believe you me."

While the focus of the effort is on the financial stability of the postal service, Donahoe said one positive byproduct will be that father-son relationship, something which has also waned over the past couple of decades.

"What memories are today's youth really creating? Hey, I remember when I used to sneak onto my dad's smartphone and play Angry Birds?" said Donahoe. "Nothing matches the thrill of rooting your hand around under your parents' mattress and finally laying your fingers on that glossy magazine cover. That's the stuff memories are made of."

In addition to discretely-wrapped magazines, the post office also plans to deliver weekly porn advertising postcards to every 14-year-old boy in the country, offering cut rate subscriptions and free shipping on toys and other accessories ordered from the backs of the magazines. Donahoe said he knows they're facing stiff competition with the Internet.

"Our long term viability depends on us creating a new generation of subscriber," Donahoe said. "And let's face it, kids, your parents know what you do online, and they're getting smarter about blocking it. They'll never see this coming.

"You can't sneak a computer into a bathroom stall at school, if you know what I'm saying," Donahoe added.

The post office is also launching a commemorative stamp series featuring popular porn models that it hopes will attract a new breed of stamp collector. The first stamp featuring Playboy's Miss April 2011 Jaclyn Swedberg goes on sale early next month.

"And who wouldn't want to lick that?" noted Donahoe. "The stamp, I mean."

For more information on the postal service's efforts to remain solvent in the age of digital delivery, visit them on the web at http://www.usps.com.

- CAP News Staff

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