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FOOTBALL
God Confirms Tim Tebow Does Get Special Treatment
DENVER (CAP) - The Creator in which we're all endowed has confirmed to CAP News that He does indeed provide "special treatment" for Denver star quarterback Tim Tebow in the form of miraculous victories and boundless love and admiration. God confided that while He may have given Tebow a little boost during the last half dozen games, each victory was mostly the quarterback's own doing.
"We all know prayers are answered in the order in which they're received, and my queue is pretty backed up," God said through a spokesperson. "But there's something about Tim that ... I don't know, I just like the guy. He reminds me a lot of my Son."
God's Son, Jesus, was also known as a 'miracle worker' of sorts back in His day, performing such feats as turning water into wine, feeding thousands with just a few loaves of bread, and helping the blind to see. But God acknowledged that even Jesus never rattled off six straight wins after trailing in the second half of each game.
"So maybe I helped him shake off a defender here or hit a receiver in double coverage there - but see, with Tim, I know he really does appreciate it," said God. "The funny thing is that he always prays after he scores. Imagine what I could do for him if he dropped me a line when he's facing a blitz on a third and long.
"Talk about your Hail Mary," added God.
God said it's been a long time since He took on a new sports project, having been "really strapped" lately with other pressing matters ranging from the Penn State scandal to rioting throughout the country of Russia. CAP News asked God if He's still in touch with New England Patriot Tom Brady after first helping the star quarterback a decade ago.
"Oh my Me, yes - have you seen the record he's been able to post despite that secondary?" God noted. "Tom and I talk all the time. Remember that 4th quarter interception he threw on Sunday? Well, as he dropped back to pass, I whispered through his headset in my best Alec Guinness voice, Use the Force, Tom.
"Oh, man, was he pissed, but we laughed about it later after I gave Jerod [Mayo] that interception," God added with a chuckle. "Good times, good times."
Religious leaders in Denver have hopped on the Tebow bandwagon, engaging in unusual rituals such as wearing his jersey to perform services and Tebowing on the altar before presenting the Gifts. One local priest told CAP News that he hates to name drop, but with seven billion people and only one God, sometimes cutting corners is necessary to get attention.
"I've got this little girl in my parish who we think is being molested by her uncle and I've been asking Him for help for months," said Fr. Bryan. "So I started mentioning Tim in my sermons and now as long as the Broncos are winning, her uncle is in a good mood and at least lays off her on Sundays and maybe even Mondays.
"God does work in mysterious ways," Fr. Bryan noted.
While God was pretty open to talking about His relationship with Tebow, He refused to say exactly what the future would hold, reminding us that it is Christmastime and He can get pretty swamped hearing from people who pay Him no heed the rest of the year. However, He hinted that the Mile-High Messiah may still have a few tricks up his sleeve as the season wraps up.
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