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CAMPAIGN TRAIL
Perry Vows To Continue Alienating Until Elected
AUSTIN (CAP) - Following his universally reviled campaign ad entitled "Strong," presidential contender Rick Perry vowed to continue alienating huge swaths of the populace until he is chosen as the GOP nominee.
"And after that, I will continue to horrify and disgust people until I'm elected president," said Perry, reviewing the ad at his campaign headquarters this week. "That's how I roll."
In the ad, Perry says "there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school." The ad has almost 1 million "dislikes" on YouTube, has inspired Internet parodies in which Perry slaughters puppies and bunnies, and has resulted in a spate of injuries throughout the country when people's jaws literally struck their desks while watching the ad on their computers.
"He seems to be taking the strategy of being a complete a-hole," said Yale University political science professor Grayson Vaughn, who noted that the approach has not been particularly successful with presidential candidates in the past. "Just ask John Kerry."
Still, Perry seems undeterred, releasing partial transcripts of the next several ads in his "something wrong in this country" series. These include statements such as:
- "There's something wrong in this country when blacks can marry white people but you can't beat one up without getting arrested."
- "There's something wrong in this country when someone who doesn't even speak English can waltz in here and take our jobs, but we can't eat their children."
- "There's something wrong in this country when you have get off a woman just because she says no, but if you go to church on Easter, President Obama will bludgeon you to death."
Perry said he also plans to release ads attacking Jews, the handicapped and one more group he couldn't think of at the moment.
The candidate also plans to release several ads focusing specifically on President Obama's "war on religion," which nobody else seemed to be aware of. Some pundits think it may be the war Obama is planning to mount after the war scheduled to commemorate the soldiers lost in the last two wars.
Regardless of whether or not it exists, Perry says he's against it. "As president, I'll end Obama's war on religion by sending troops to our nation's schools, where they'll force our children to pray at gunpoint," says Perry in one of the ads. "That's how I roll."
"I really love that expression," said Perry, eating pork rinds while unveiling the ad at his headquarters.
Perry, who says he feels his alienation strategy is a logical follow-up to his plan to Texify America, added that he had also hoped to end each ad with a full minute of maniacal laughter, but that plan was nixed by his campaign managers.
"That would make the ads way too expensive," explained Perry strategist Nelson Winfield. "TV time gets pretty tough to afford when those donations stop rolling in."
In a related story, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Jon Huntsman, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum said this week they would pitch in to help Perry pay for more ads.
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