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DURBAN, South Africa (CAP) - By an overwhelming margin, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has passed a resolution calling for a climate change freeze for the next six months. Per the new directive, no climate changes will be allowed during that timeframe without the expressed consent of an emergency meeting of the climate change advisory board.
"Every time we meet, the climate has instituted new changes - a little global warming here, a little drought over there - and it seems like we are always starting from scratch," said IPCC Deputy Secretary Gaetano Leone. "We just need the climate to stay still for a little bit so we can come up with a plan."
According to the regulations drawn up by the IPCC, the climate will still be allowed to implement filtered changes from season to season, but any non-standard variance will need to be tabled until the change freeze is over. The IPCC also established guidelines regarding environmental maintenance as it relates to climate change to minimize the impact on the production climate. Among those:
- Limiting polar ice cap melting to off-peak periods only during months that end in 'y'
- Minimizing rain forest burnings to only 10,000 hectares daily per available field service engineer
- Testing all greenhouse gases in climate qa before approved go-live in climate prod
The IPCC has also put a contract out to bid for the development of a gigantic bubble to be built over the country of China. The Great Biodome of China is expected to be complete by 2014 and help slash worldwide carbon emissions by 37%, as well as change China's status from The World's Largest Pain In The Ass to The World's Largest Tourist Attraction.
"Now that the Olympics have come and gone from China, there's really no need for anyone to get in or out," said IPCC Secretary Renate Christ. "Besides, if someone really has to go to China, everyone knows if you just dig down far enough you'll get there eventually."
With those nations attending the summit in Durban looking toward the U.S. to provide leadership surrounding climate change, Republican presidential candidates have begun broaching the topic during campaign stops. As she traipsed gingerly through South Carolina, Michelle Bachmann told anyone who would listen that she felt implementing "any sort of freeze" this close to winter would only create hardship for those already dealing with the elements, while Newt Gingrich laid the blame at the president's feet.
"President Obama even ran on a platform of change four years ago and look where that got us," Gingrich told supporters in Charleston, S.C. "If a damned earthquake at the White House itself isn't enough for us to realize we need an Obama change freeze, then I'm gonna go back to just calling him names."
Meanwhile, former vice president and self-appointed environmental guardian Al Gore continued his three-year tour around the country warning scientists and lay folk about the dangers of global luke-warming.
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