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Facebook Fined For Abusing Privacy Of Stupid People
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Federal Trade Commission has levied steep fines against Facebook, alleging that the social media powerhouse has unfairly violated the privacy rights of millions of stupid people.
"Facebook knowingly took advantage of the fact that a large percentage of its users are idiots," read the commission's report.
The report continued, "Facebook's privacy settings virtually guarantee that when a moron uploads a picture that no thinking human being should be sharing, or makes a comment that someone of even rudimentary intelligence would know was dumb or embarrassing, that person is bound to suffer ill effects."
Not surprisingly, the decision was met with approval from imbeciles all over the world.
"It's about time," said Josh Elkind, 21, a Tufts University senior who uploaded pictures of himself in bed with a girl in his dorm room while his roommate was sleeping, and posted a status update about the "hot boobs" on the actresses in the '80 sex comedies he was watching on Netflix.
"My girlfriend was so pissed! Facebook should have told me that she might see those," said Elkind, whose girlfriend, "Donna," is Elkind's friend on Facebook, where the couple actually shares more than 150 mutual friends.
"He's such a stupid idiot," said Donna, adding, "It wouldn't have been so bad if I was the one in the pictures."
Marc Fenderson, 17, who was fired from his job at the Hardees in Effingham, Ill., when he posted on Facebook that he had put his own bodily fluids into the fry vat, also cheered the decision.
"Facebook never told me that if I posted that my boss would read it, and my mom, and my priest, and everyone at my school," said Fenderson, commenting that he was lucky that at least potential future employers wouldn't see it.
Told that any potential employer would most likely be able to find the post in a matter of seconds, he balled his hands into fists and screamed to the heavens, "FACEBOOK!"
For his part, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg seemed contrite in the wake of the controversy.
"Overall, I think we have a good history of providing transparency over who can see your information," he wrote in a blog post. "That said, I'm the first to admit that we've made mistakes. For instance, we never realized that people would be stupid enough to upload photos, videos and statements that could damage their relationships, reputations and careers.
"Our bad," he added.
Zuckerberg also admitted that the so-called "Mulligan" button that Facebook introduced in 2010 - meant to "erase" users' stupid statements and uploads from the social media service - was just a gag.
"We figured everybody would realize we were joking," he added. "I mean, how stupid can you get?
"Don't answer that," he added.
The exact amount of the FTC fine has not been revealed, but at least one user is hoping that it's a hefty sum.
"I am so mad at Facebook!" said Marc Hurwitz, whose Facebook groups - including ones devoted to the Lifetime channel, Hugh Jackman, Saturn automobiles and the gayest movies ever - have a total of over half a million members. "Now the whole world knows I'm an idiot, instead of just all the usual people."
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