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MOVIES
SOUTH JORDAN, Utah (CAP) - A Lehi, Utah man who appeared by all accounts to suffer a seizure during a screening of the new Twilight movie over Thanksgiving weekend now says he faked the episode just to get out of the theatre. Despite needlessly occupying the time of area paramedics, he said his only regret is not coming up with the idea earlier in the movie.
"I remember thinking that I'd rather be watching the QVC channel from a hospital bed than sit through this crap and that's when the idea hit me," said the man who asked not to be identified out of fear of being made fun of by friends and coworkers for even attending the movie to begin with. "And then by the time that godawful birth scene came on, I knew what I had to do."
Local authorities say they don't plan to press charges against the man for the false report as they understand the intense pressure he would have been under to attend the movie with his wife despite every fiber of his being telling him to stay home and watch football instead.
"As far as I'm concerned, that man's a hero," said one police officer. "I just wish I had thought of that when my girlfriend dragged me to see Bridesmaids."
The man was treated and released from a local hospital after a quick round of medical tests naturally found no adverse effects from the made-up malady. Hospital officials said they tend to see an uptick in this sort of thing every year around the holidays as guilty Catholics faint or otherwise take ill during their once-per-year sojourn to attend Mass.
"A $100 emergency room co-pay is a small price to pay to fake a little salvation for the Big Guy," said one Jordan Valley Medical Center ER nurse. "And we'll have you back home sipping eggnog before George goes running across the bridge screaming to Clarence that he wants his old life back."
A California man also reportedly suffered a seizure while watching Breaking Dawn last weekend, but others in the theatre say the man's girlfriend was so distraught at the idea of missing the final scenes of the movie that she made him wait until the credits rolled before seeking medical attention.
"It's not as big a deal as the media makes it out to be," the girlfriend told CAP News. "Christ, he had a seizure while watching Wizards Of Waverly Place when Selena Gomez's werewolf boyfriend ate her human boyfriend. I think we'll stick to Harry Potter."
While medical experts initially believed that lighting effects in the movie triggered photosensitive epilepsy in the Roseville, Calif. man that led to his seizure, further analysis has revealed that the episode was more likely due to a combination of subpar acting and overpriced tickets.
"Throw in the shitty special effects and the realization that this tiresome franchise isn't over and there's still a Breaking Dawn Part Two coming next year, and it's enough to give anyone cardiac arrest," said CAP News Health Editor Noley Thornton.
"I mean, hell, even Police Academy stopped after six," Thornton added. "Or was it seven?"
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