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University Cancels Course In Coaching, Fondling
CLOVIS, NM (CAP) - Officials at the National University of Coaching announced today that they have decided to discontinue a junior-level core course called Coaching & Fondling 101. The news comes in the wake of reports of inappropriate behavior by coaches at both Penn State and Syracuse University.
"The announced curriculum changes will begin with the Spring 2012 semester," said NUC Dean of Student Affairs Richard Blake. "However, students currently enrolled in the class will be allowed to complete the class and receive full credit."
University officials said the recent series of events garnering much of the collegiate headlines does have them re-evaluating their entire course catalog. University Proctor Sabine Durant confirmed to CAP News that the college has removed other courses as well, including Rubbing & Touching For Authority Figures, How To Make The Ball Boy Your Ball Boy, and the popular course for which many students always end up wait-listed, Making Sure No Other Adults Are Around.
"Of course, hindsight is always 20/20, but looking at these courses in light of what's been going on, I'm not sure how we were really ever getting away with offering them to begin with," noted Durant.
Advocacy groups have stepped forward to echo Durant's last sentiment, with many expressing amazement that an accredited university is able to legally offer such courses in this day and age. "This isn't the 1970's, you know," said one pundit.
"You'd have thought that these idiots would have learned their lesson a few years back when the whole church sex abuse scandal broke," said Pat Herron, spokesperson for Victims Of Insane Diddlers. "You'd think that the people at NUC would have learned from that, but apparently they are even stupider than we thought. Idiots."
At the height of the clergy sex abuse scandal involving the Catholic Church, the American Seminary University quietly altered much of its course offering to reflect a more empathetic stance with the victims of the alleged abuse. Among the courses that were either dropped or renamed were Doggy For Missionaries, Polishing The Bishop, and How To Administer The Scoliosis Test.
The U.S. Department of Education has issued a press release applauding the move by NUC as "the right mix of accountability and moral obligation," saying they are pleased the university has taken these actions.
"And in so doing, they have proven themselves worthy of retaining their accreditation," the statement read in part. "And that decision is in no way influenced by the amount of money we have riding on this year's BCS title game, which will most likely be coached on both sides by NUC graduates."
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