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Experts Blame Reno Fires On Weather, Sinning
RENO (CAP) - The blazing wildfires that chased thousands of residents from their homes on the outskirts of Reno, Nevada, this week have been blamed on dry conditions, unusually high winds and divine retribution by an angry God upset with residents' wickedness.
"It's very rare that you'll see winds this strong at this time of year," said National Weather Service meteorologist David Crimmins. "Plus, it's well known that the people of Nevada have offended the heavens with their incessant whoring and gambling.
"I'm just saying," he added.
According to Matt Carson of UC Berkeley's Center for Fire Research, wildfires are usually caused by lightning, sparks from falling rocks or spontaneous combustion, and the Reno wildfires may have resulted from a combination of all of those, along with an up-tick in sodomy.
"More lightning and sodomy equals more wildfires, it's just that simple," said Carson, noting that at least eight of the 13 people who suffered injuries in the fires, or 62 percent, had noticed lightning and were engaging in sodomy at the time.
That's a highly unusual frequency for lightning this time of year, although Carson did acknowledge that a recent Pew Center study found that 60 to 65 percent of Nevada residents are involved in sodomy at any given moment.
No matter what the cause, the fires were definitely a hardship for thousands of Nevada residents.
"People looked up last night to see their bars, gambling dens and brothels filled with smoke, and jumped off their barstools and vibrating beds only to find themselves faced with walls of divine vengeful flame when they got outside," explained Nevada Gov. Brian Sandoval, who declared a state of emergency.
"Of course no one was particularly surprised, except at the fact it took this long," he added.
George Frecker, who lives in the Caughlin Ranch area, said he looked out the window and saw an orange glow.
"The fire was coming up the hill to the back of the houses across the street from me," he told the Reno Gazette-Journal. "I had to jump off my hooker and get out of there lickety-split."
Frecker spent the night in a shelter set up at Reno High School, along with hundreds of other displaced drunkards, whores and gamblers. "It would have been a rough night without all the booze, sex and high-stakes card games, I can tell you that," he said.
Unfortunately, later that morning the wind reversed course and brought the fire back in the direction of the school, incinerating all those inside.
"Like we didn't see that coming," noted Crimmins.
Not everyone agrees that the fires are at least partially in response to the unsavory behavior of Nevada residents, however.
"It's a specious theory at best," said Nigel Friedrichsen, president of the Reno-based National Association of Perverts (NAP). "But whatever the cause, I'm hoping the fires are put down soon, because they're really impeding our ability to roll out our new campaign promoting naked shower horseplay." Then he spontaneously combusted.