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COLLEGE LIFE
Penn State Students Still Rioting Over This And That
STATE COLLEGE, Penn. (CAP) - Students at Pennsylvania State University continue to demonstrate and riot at the college's main campus today, although no one is completely sure just what they're protesting about at this time. Details are sketchy, but it appears the student body is simply rallying against a variety of perceived injustices.
"I had a quiz this morning on the Preamble of the Constitution and I didn't study because the professor never told us about it!" yelled one student as he swung from a lamppost. "This never would have happened if Joe Pa were here!" The student then led the crowd in a chant of "Fuck the Preamble!"
Hundreds of other students descended on Old Main, throwing rocks at the Penn State administration building and smashing glass bottles on the ground, all while yelling, "This is for you, Jacko!" - presumably in reference to Michael Jackson's doctor Conrad Murray having been found guilty of involuntary manslaughter of the king of pop. This devolved into chants of "OJ was framed!" as students toppled a white Ford Bronco that was parked nearby.
"I'm not going back to class until we get some justice!" cried one male student as he tried unsuccessfully to set the contents of a trash can on fire. "I'd have been able to start this fire by now if Joe Pa were here!" The student then led the crowd in a chant of "Fuck the laws of physics!"
Winding their way through a throng of protestors carrying signs imploring everyone to "Leave Amy Fisher Alone," school officials urged students to "go home and forget all this nonsense." Penn State Interim president Rodney Erickson then gave an impassioned speech about the students' right to free assembly and having their voices heard above the clutter.
"Listen, I'm not going to stop you from protesting, from standing up for what you believe in," Erickson told the crowd that had quieted somewhat. "But do it now and get it out of your system, because after you graduate and get into the real world, you're gonna realize - nobody gives a shit!
"In fact, you're not going to give a shit either once you've got a mortgage and credit card bills and children of your own who want to eat every day," Erickson added. "So go ahead and enjoy your little riots and whatnot while you're still suckling at your momma's teat, and I'll see you at graduation."
A handful of activists have announced their support for the plight of the Penn State student, relating the situation to the Kent State shootings of 1970. A number of talented musical artists including the likes of Lionel Ritchie, Stevie Wonder, Dionne Warwick and Cyndi Lauper have gathered together to record a tribute song called We Are Penn State to raise money for the grief-stricken underclassmen.
"These kids have endured so much and they didn't ask for any of this," said Bruce Springsteen, who is also lending his vocal stylings to the tribute song. "It's a wonder any of them can roll out of bed at 11 in the morning and stumble off to an afternoon class. God bless 'em."
Meanwhile, yet another mob of angry students had gathered on Beaver Ave. to protest the crimes against humanity perpetuated by the hanging chads and dimpled chads in the 2000 U.S. presidential election. This eventually mutated into a disorganized chant about being hungry, which ultimately concluded with a "Million Student March" to go find some pizza.
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