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Groupon Expands Into Recreational Drugs
CHICAGO (CAP) - While the dust settles from the second largest initial public offering of an internet-based company since Google in 2004, Groupon CEO Andrew Mason is telling investors he has "big plans" in store for the coupon site, especially now that he has the financial backing to "tell naysayers to fuck off." As such, Mason said Groupon plans to begin offering a number of recreational drugs in a few select locations.
"We'll start with your medicinal marijuana, hydrocodone, oxycodone, that sort of thing," said Mason as he attempted to roll a fatty with a $50 bill. "Now, whether or not people will actually use them for medicinal purposes, we don't know. We're strong proponents of the honor system here at Groupon.
"The fact is, if you love the savings we got you on that pedicure, wait till you see what we can do for you on a dimebag," Mason added.
Mason said his company has already inked deals with a couple of pharmaceutical giants to offer some "substantial savings" to consumers in the Chicago, New York and Boston metro areas for these and other drugs. For years, Canadian pharmacies have cornered the market on internet drug sales, but company officials say they expect Groupon to take over that title within a year.
"$700 million is a lot of friggin' money, especially when our business model is not too unlike a woman who sits down at her kitchen table with the Sunday fliers and a pair of scissors," said Executive Chairman Eric Lefkofsky. "And Christ on a crutch, I'll settle for $20 million a year myself. I'm not very good at math, but quick calculations tell me that still leaves us with a shitload of money."
According to Lefkofsky, Groupon's current platform of offering deals specific to particular cities and regions is "not incredibly scalable" because it requires local effort in every area to line up those deals. However, by tapping into something with more general interest that doesn't vary quite so much from city to city, it allows the company to grow quickly and expand into new markets with little effort.
"Because frankly, we're looking to put in as little effort as possible," said Mason as he made a paper airplane out of a $50 bill. "We did the work, made the cash, and now we want to just ride it as far as we can. The foundation of the American business model."
Assuming the first round of drug deals are successful within the Groupon architecture, the company does hope to offer a wider variety of drugs to meet the growing needs of the U.S. population. With the unemployment rate holding steady at nine percent, Mason said the role filled by sites like Groupon is more important than ever to staying within increasingly tighter budgets.
"Listen, you keep buying your cocaine down on the street corner, pretty soon you're going to be living on that street corner," said Mason. "If Groupon can keep just one person off the street and in their pre-foreclosed house for a little bit longer, then we have done our job."
Although pundits had predicted that Groupon stock would sink back to its $20 IPO price within three months, analysts are now backtracking and recommending investors buy before the price skyrockets and the company comes under investigation of the federal government.
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