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NEW YORK (CAP) - Mitt Romney's presidential campaign was dealt a staggering blow today as the former Mass. governor found himself facing startling accusations of sexual impropriety going back to before his days as a leader in the Mormon church. Even more surprising than the actual allegations that were leaked to the press was the source of the information: Mitt Romney himself.
"I've had sex, like, five times," Romney said at a press conference to address the charges. "I mean, granted, I haven't had it since 1980 or '81, but still - that's a lot. I almost can't count that on one hand. And every single time I've had sex, it has resulted in a child. Every. Single. Time."
Romney fell short of defending his past indiscretions but was unapologetic when reporters pressed for details about the mothers of his children, saying he actually impregnated the same woman over and over and "would do it again in a heartbeat." Romney said that unlike a certain competitor of his, he could remember every detail of each sexual fling, but he's now a changed man.
"My magic underpants have been firmly in place for over 30 years now," Romney noted. "They may be a bit tattered, a bit worn, kind of like my campaign, but also like my campaign, they have a lot of support and cover my ass."
Romney's news comes as fellow Republican hopeful Herman Cain continues to battle claims that he sexually harassed two women who worked for him during his time with the National Restaurant Association - charges that have not yet had a deleterious impact on his poll numbers. Pundits say Romney's decision to taint his own image could be the shot in the arm his campaign needs to stay alive.
"Look at all the media face time Cain is getting, and it's not costing him a cent," said CAP News political anaylist Fuad Reveiz. "Romney knows that no amount of money can buy that kind of attention, and if you want any hope at the White House, you best have some skeletons in your closet.
"You know, I think it's only a matter of time before Huntsman steps forward to tell us he diddled some kids or something," Reveiz added. "In fact, his entire political future may very well depend on it."
Romney's wife Ann has yet to make any formal statement regarding the allegations, although she was overheard telling a friend, "Five times? Mitt? I assume he didn't mean all at once." Sources say Ann Romney plans to stand by her man, even if it means standing in a different wing of their oceanfront villa so she doesn't have to be near him.
"You better believe Ann knows all about Mitt's sordid sexual past," said one family friend who asked not to be identified. "But she's not going to let some dirty old pair of magic underpants stand between her and the White House, that's for sure.
"Ann's like the Latter Day Saints' Hillary Clinton," the friend noted.
A CAP News / Washington Post poll asked 700 likely voters, "Who Would You Rather?" with 12% choosing Romney, 11% choosing Cain, and 77% asking to be poked in the eye repeatedly with a sharp stick covered in germ-infested oozing goo. Results are not scientific.
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