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ENGLAND
British Ruling Lets Women Stand While They Pee
LONDON (CAP) - Reform continues to sweep the Kingdom of Great Britain as Her Majesty's Government has approved a new regulation allowing females to stand while they urinate, ushering in a new era of gender equality not before seen in a modernized nation. British leaders say they hope the rest of the world follows in their footsteps to make up for past indiscretions.
"Separate but equal has long been unacceptable for race, yet it still inexplicably defines our treatment of the sexes," said British Prime Minister David Cameron while announcing the ruling. "It's time we stop letting the limitations of the female body determine what type of apparatus is used for personal hygienics and instead align the apparatus to the needs of today's woman.
"Ladies, with the blessing of Her Majesty the Queen, I promise you Britain will build you a better bog," Cameron noted.
The announcement comes on the heels of a recent decision by the Commonwealth realms to alter the rules of succession to allow first-born daughters to inherit the British throne, a change no one under the age of 30 will likely ever bear witness to. Unlike that feeble attempt at giving women their just due, the new rules regarding urination not only directly impact women of any age, but also of all class status beyond just royalty.
"This is a great day for the transgender community," said Missy Putnam, spokesperson for The Beaumont Society, a British transgender support group. "No longer will transvestites and pre-op transsexuals be faced with the indecision of which lav is appropriate for them.
"We're now all free to pee wherever we may be," added Putnam.
Studies have shown that women spend on average two and a half to three times as long as their male counterparts when using a public restroom, owing to the lengthy lines and extra time spent to ensure the posterior is adequately protected from germs prior to delicately placing said rump onto the toilet seat. Business analysts expect the new ruling will cut that down by at least half.
"This is going to be a boon for the urinal industry, no doubt," said Bloomberg Television host Linzie Janis. "Even in this down economy, women throughout England have not stopped peeing. But once new female urinals hit the market and women see what kind of time they save, I expect they'll be peeing in record numbers."
Despite the overwhelming support of the new ruling among Britain's female population, a contingent of British men has banded together to form a coalition against the changes. Calling themselves The Coalition Against The Changes, the group hopes to garner enough support to revert England back to the golden days of urination.
"Cameron and his cronies have taken away our last vestige of male singularity and we refuse to stand by idly with our pants around our ankles," said Coalition spokesperson Jared Hughes. "Women already have bidets, for crying out loud. At least let us be the only gender who can pee on our feet."
Other nations have yet to formally react to the announcement, although French President Nicolas Sarkozy expressed confusion when he heard the news, saying "French women have always stood while they pee - don't all women?"
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