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Police On The Hunt For Escaped Exotic Republicans
LAS VEGAS (CAP) - FBI and local law enforcement are urging residents to be extra vigilant today as seven exotic Republicans who escaped from the Sands Expo Convention Center last week are still on the loose. Officials fear the longer the escaped politicos remain at large, the greater the danger to middle class Americans in Nevada and beyond.
"Should you come in contact with an escaped exotic GOP - do not engage!" said FBI Director Robert Mueller during a press conference about the situation. "These are not your garden variety politicians; these are highly skilled orators who would tell you those jeans don't make you look fat just to get your vote."
According to eyewitness accounts, it appears someone left the back door unlocked at the convention center following a televised program during which the exotics were placed behind podiums and prodded until they snarled and gnashed at each other before a live audience. One by one they slipped out after the event and thus far have been able to elude capture.
"This is exactly why you can't just yank exotic politicians out of their natural habitats and force them onto a stage together - they will attack," said Jessica Furzell of People for the Ethical Treatment of Republicans. "And shame on those people who just sat in that audience and watched it happen without doing a thing. Shame on them."
Reports of possible sightings have come from as far away as Iowa and Texas, along with a bevy of calls from New Hampshire. FBI agents there descended upon the small town of Hopkinton where they did manage to capture Jon Huntsman, who mistakenly had been reported as escaped from Las Vegas. He was eventually released back into the wild after it was determined he was "not exactly exotic and certainly harmless."
"Alright, listen up, people - our exotic Republicans have been on the run for about a week," said U.S. Marshall Samuel Gerard after the capture and release of Huntsman. "Average foot speed among undecided voters barring shaking hands and kissing babies is four miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of the continental United States.
"What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every alehouse, jailhouse, whorehouse, sprawling ranch and oceanside mansion until we capture or put down every last one of these exotic Republicans," added Gerard. "Hey - where's Perry?"
Mueller noted that certain locales such as West Virginia or Georgia or Washington state remain safer than other areas of the nation because intel indicates residents of those states "won't see hide nor hair of [the exotic Republicans] until sometime next year, if at all." He said field agents have been given the authority to shoot on sight where they feel the public is most at risk for falling for the exotic rhetoric.
"Agents have been trained in and will utilize the FBI's proven 9-9-9 method," said Mueller. "Nine shots from a nine millimeter at nine feet away. It's a plan we can all get behind."
While most blame the escape on the janitor who left the door unlocked at the convention center, many political pundits are placing responsibility on President Obama's failed domestic policies for letting the exotic Republicans loose on society.