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PUBLIC SAFETY

Police On The Hunt For Escaped Exotic Republicans

Police On The Hunt For Escaped Exotic Republicans
Public safety officials warn motorists never to pick up a hitchhiking Republican.

LAS VEGAS (CAP) - FBI and local law enforcement are urging residents to be extra vigilant today as seven exotic Republicans who escaped from the Sands Expo Convention Center last week are still on the loose. Officials fear the longer the escaped politicos remain at large, the greater the danger to middle class Americans in Nevada and beyond.

"Should you come in contact with an escaped exotic GOP - do not engage!" said FBI Director Robert Mueller during a press conference about the situation. "These are not your garden variety politicians; these are highly skilled orators who would tell you those jeans don't make you look fat just to get your vote."

According to eyewitness accounts, it appears someone left the back door unlocked at the convention center following a televised program during which the exotics were placed behind podiums and prodded until they snarled and gnashed at each other before a live audience. One by one they slipped out after the event and thus far have been able to elude capture.

"This is exactly why you can't just yank exotic politicians out of their natural habitats and force them onto a stage together - they will attack," said Jessica Furzell of People for the Ethical Treatment of Republicans. "And shame on those people who just sat in that audience and watched it happen without doing a thing. Shame on them."

Reports of possible sightings have come from as far away as Iowa and Texas, along with a bevy of calls from New Hampshire. FBI agents there descended upon the small town of Hopkinton where they did manage to capture Jon Huntsman, who mistakenly had been reported as escaped from Las Vegas. He was eventually released back into the wild after it was determined he was "not exactly exotic and certainly harmless."

"Alright, listen up, people - our exotic Republicans have been on the run for about a week," said U.S. Marshall Samuel Gerard after the capture and release of Huntsman. "Average foot speed among undecided voters barring shaking hands and kissing babies is four miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of the continental United States.

"What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every alehouse, jailhouse, whorehouse, sprawling ranch and oceanside mansion until we capture or put down every last one of these exotic Republicans," added Gerard. "Hey - where's Perry?"

Mueller noted that certain locales such as West Virginia or Georgia or Washington state remain safer than other areas of the nation because intel indicates residents of those states "won't see hide nor hair of [the exotic Republicans] until sometime next year, if at all." He said field agents have been given the authority to shoot on sight where they feel the public is most at risk for falling for the exotic rhetoric.

"Agents have been trained in and will utilize the FBI's proven 9-9-9 method," said Mueller. "Nine shots from a nine millimeter at nine feet away. It's a plan we can all get behind."

While most blame the escape on the janitor who left the door unlocked at the convention center, many political pundits are placing responsibility on President Obama's failed domestic policies for letting the exotic Republicans loose on society.

- CAP News Staff
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President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «»