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al-Awlaki Death Sets Terrorism Back By 9 Days
SANA'A, Yemen (CAP) - The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has released a new report indicating that the recent death of al Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki has dealt a staggering blow to the beleaguered terrorist organization still recovering from the recall of thousands of defective bombs. The 52-page document suggests it could be well over a week before the group is back on its feet again.
"Nine days to be exact," said DHS Under Secretary for National Protection and Programs Rand Beers. "So right now we're just chilling, catching up on a few other things around the office. But don't worry, we'll be all back into 'security mode' by Monday.
"Oh, wait, Monday's Columbus Day. Why don't we say Tuesday, just to play it safe," Beers added. "You know, in case any of the guys are planning on taking a long weekend."
While Homeland Security officials are in the midst of enjoying their quietest stretch since the 2008 summer outing, word out of Yemen is that al Qaeda operatives are scrambling to backfill al-Awlaki's position with someone who demonstrates the best mix of marketing, communications and hatred. al Qaeda Human Resources Manager Pasda al-Dehnte says he hopes finding such a candidate meets with more success than the Monster.com job listing to replace Osama bin Laden.
"It is hardly fair that the Western infidels are enjoying the time off while I work of the weekend just to catch up," said al-Dehnte. "I have to open up a new req, write up a job description, post it - it is a pain of the ass.
"And I was really hoping to get together with the guys for some karaoke and a little jihad Saturday night," added al-Dehnte.
Other terrorists with whom CAP News spoke echoed the same sentiment, saying the loss of al-Awlaki leaves "some tough shoe bombs to fill." They said even if someone qualified comes on board immediately, it will be at least a couple months to bring that person up to speed, and by then it will have thrown off their entire fall schedule of busy marketplace bombings.
"You Americans think our job is as simple as strapping on the bomb and walking out into the street," said al Qaeda Risk Manager Zedi al-Fhorno. "With no Anwar, I must fill out all these project status reports myself or else no one gets their virgins this quarter. Would you want that hanging over your head?"
Meanwhile, President Obama is cautioning Americans against feeling too secure in this small success, noting that while the country has made great strides against terrorism, he "could really, really use another term just to, you know, finish this up." He said he prefers to think of it not so much as an ongoing war on terror but rather "a persistent pecking away at terror."
"See, if this were a real war on terror, we'd be all bombing the shit out of people," said Obama. "But as a semi-black American Muslim, I know what it's like to be all bombed out of your shit undeservedly and I will not put my people - I mean those people - through that."
However, Vice President Joe Biden was considerably less restrained when commenting on the situation. "We totally had them reeling for, like, a week," said Biden. "Wait, what? Nine days? Wow. USA FTW!"