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Sting's 60th Marked By Tantric Sex Talk, Lutes
NEW YORK (CAP) - Sting's star-studded charity concert to mark his 60th birthday came to a grinding halt Saturday night when the guest of honor stopped between songs to give a 15-minute dissertation on the joys of tantric sex practices.
Apparently Sting had just finished an 11-minute jazz fusion version of Have You Seen The Bright Lily Grow off Songs From The Labyrinth, his 2006 collaboration with Bosnian lutenist Edin Karamazov, when he said, "This evening has been almost as pleasurable as a 12-hour session of tantric lovemaking with my wife, Trudie."
"At first we thought it was just going to be a passing remark, but he just wouldn't stop," said Howard Masterson, a Sting fan club member who got some of the few public tickets available for the New York City concert. "He kept going on and on about 'accessing inner energies' to enhance pleasure and telling us to 'challenge our egotism into its dissolution,' whatever that means."
According to Masterson, the audience started to grow restless, and by the time the rock star was explaining in great detail how holding off ejaculation is key to mutual fulfillment, most people were looking around the theater awkwardly, checking watches and cellphones and pretending to cough.
"Finally, Bruce Springsteen came out and tried to start a duet with Sting on one of his old Police songs, I think it was Driven To Tears," recalled Masterson. "But Sting says, 'First Bruce, tell the crowd, do you and your wife Patti indulge in the ancient sensual art of tantric lovemaking?' Springsteen looked really embarrassed, muttered something about the missionary position and backed slowly off the stage."
Eventually Sting did segue into a lute and harpsichord version of Englishman In New York, and the whole audience, along with guest stars Springsteen, Lady Gaga, Stevie Wonder, Mary J. Blige, Herbie Hancock, Robert Downey Jr., Vince Gill, Will.i.am, Rufus Wainwright, Branford Marsalis, Billy Joel and Chris Botti, breathed a collective, audible sigh of relief, in unison.
"If the point was to make us appreciate the lute number, mission accomplished," commented Downey afterwards at a party at the St. Regis Hotel.
"So Sting got in front of an audience that had paid some ridiculous price to see his show and acted like a complete prick? What a shock," commented Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who admits that he's "had it in for Sting" ever since the former Police frontman refused to participate in the charity single Bass Instincts to protest the lack of attention bass players get in the Rock Band video game.
"I'd like to get tantric all over his ass," added Flea. "Um ... But not in a sexual way."
Sting eventually finished the lute performance and announced that there was "something very special" under all the seats, at which point the audience found autographed 8x10 glossy photographs of Sting in the "downwards-faced dog pose" taped to the bottoms of their chairs.
"The signatures were done by a machine, but it's the thought that counts!" said Sting, sipping a Mlesna Jasmine Earl Grey Tea. "Now if you'll excuse me I have a 12-hour appointment with my wife and a lute."
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