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UNEMPLOYMENT
Obama Encourages Slacks For Job Seekers
DENVER (CAP) - President Barack Obama is urging job seekers to ditch the unemployed look and dress for success if they really want a spot back among the working class elite. This word comes as the commander in chief takes his new "best defense - good offense" approach to the presidency on a swing through the west that only coincidentally bears a resemblance to campaigning.
"From the moment I took office, what we've seen is a constant pushback against actually dressing up to go work," Obama told supporters who paid exorbitant sums of money for a mediocre chicken dinner to hear him speak. "Listen, people, I'm creating the jobs out there - if you really want back into the American work force, you need to trade in those lounge pants for a pair of slacks and show the rest of us you really want it.
"This isn't class warfare, this is just some friendly advice from a wealthy employed American to 9.1% of the country," added Obama.
Obama's trip comes as his $447 billion jobs bill remains stuck in the Senate two weeks after introducing it because Senate Democrats "hadn't gotten around to it" yet. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) acknowledged the delay, saying he and the others had been "a little sidetracked" watching SpongeBob Squarepants videos on YouTube.
"Someone dubbed in the word poop into some of the episodes - some pretty funny stuff actually," said Reid. "But, umm, the bill sounds great, just what the American people are looking for, I'm sure. When did Obama say he needed that by again?"
While the bill itself doesn't include any particular provisions related to attire, Obama has turned his attention away from the numbers and statistics specific to the employment rate and is focusing instead on the intangibles of the unemployed. Obama said that even when things seem dire, it's important to continue to shower regularly, brush teeth daily, and "generally try to look presentable."
"I still remember when Mammy used to get me all gussied up on a Sunday morning before we'd go to visit God's house," Obama said. "This whole attitude of I'm just running to Wal-Mart - that's gotta change if you're serious about rejoining the rest of the work force.
"You never know when a future employer could be in the 12 Items Or Less line in front of you," noted Obama. "You never know."
Obama has found himself in a deadlock with congressional Republicans who think the government should let the unemployed dress how they want since they have so little else to hold onto. However, the president says it's this exact mentality that has led to the fashion crisis in Europe and the widespread acceptance of large men in tiny speedos.
"I'm not saying you need to be all dolled up when you're filing for your third extension," said Obama. "But those ratty sweats you're wearing? They were made by offshore workers - dressed in slacks. I think you catch my drift."
In response to those who have expressed concern that the unemployed don't have the money necessary to purchase a new wardrobe, Obama said he hopes to earmark some federal funds for that very thing now that he's eliminated the cost of congressional pizza from the budget.
"Thrift stores have a wide variety to choose from," Obama noted. "I think you're gonna like the way you look."
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