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SURVEYS & POLLS
HS Band Members Getting Laid In Record Numbers
PRINCETON, NJ (CAP) - According to a recent Princeton University survey, male high school band members are more likely now than ever to get laid. Due to the suffering economy, as well as the general downfall of all things Americana, the study found that band geeks can look forward to a big year.
Tedd Mills, a senior tuba player out of Ridgmont, Minn., has high hopes, according to a Facebook podcast Mills made last year. In the podcast, Mills claims he has made a lot of changes in his life, including ditching his signature cape, which he no longer needs to disguise his back brace as the scoliosis is "all cleared up."
"And that's not the only thing that's all cleared up," Mills said. "My backne is almost completely gone. In a few weeks, I can go swimming without a shirt on, because I won't be embarrassed by all the pimples on my back."
Band members also seem to be doing away with elastic waistbands and any clothing accessories that accentuate muffin tops, front butts, back braces, and head gear. Changing one's bedroom decor from Gryffindor to colors actually found in the rainbow has also proven to have positive results.
According to secondary education specialist Billy Gifford, band members' chances of getting laid are better now than ever thanks to the childhood obesity epidemic. "The high school female population is fatter than ever, and therefore sluttier than ever," Gifford explained. "You know how fat chicks are. They'll do anything you want. Anything."
Gifford believes this new research will have a ripple effect on band members throughout the nation, so long as they remain safe. "If band members are spending their spare time getting laid, society can say goodbye to social abominations like GenCon and clarinets," Gifford said. "And that game Cranium - that won't be around anymore, I can tell you that much."
Mills is living proof of Gifford's predictions, explaining that he has already given up Cranium in favor of practicing French kissing. The eager Mills practices on everything from omelettes to votive candles, and says he is more than ready to practice on a real person, specifically cheerleader and Mills' locker-neighbor Dorothy Mines.
"Dorothy and I have known each other since preschool, and as soon as I realized she didn't have a penis, I wanted to make sex with her," Mills admits. "And now is my chance!"
With so much attention focused on getting laid, it seems band members are letting their musical responsibilities fall by the wayside. Fellow band member Eric Neelson remembers the days he could count on Mills to untangle his headgear from his sousaphone, but fears those days are long gone.
"Ever since Teddy's mom stopped having to write his name in his underwear, he's like a completely different person," Neelson said. "He doesn't even play Magic: The Gathering anymore, and he made fun of my limited edition holographic Pikachu card - from Japan."
With performances of The Star-Spangled Banner, Sweet Caroline, and American Pie sounding subpar, band teachers are growing worried about the year to come.
"As far as I can tell, they're still virgins, but I expect that to change," one school band teacher said. "Brian Holloway stopped wearing his Boy Scouts bandana, and Asher Tyson's man boobs are down to a B cup. They're growing up, and it's definitely going to hurt our sousa arrangement at homecoming this year. But we will perservere."
Contributing Writer
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