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ELECTION 2012
Rick Perry Lays Out Plan To Texify America
AUSTIN, Tex. (CAP) - Alluding to the "whiz-bang" job he's accomplished in his home state, GOP presidential hopeful and Tex. Gov. Rick Perry says he believes the solution to all of America's problems are quite simply to "just be more like Texas." Perry laid out his three-point plan at a recent meeting of the Legally Employed Texan Latinos Association.
"I don't know what kind of Muslim-Ebonics religion Obama practices, but here in Texas we only got three religions, and they're all practiced by every Texan simultaneously," Perry told the crowd of two dozen. "We just need to get the rest of the country on board, which we will within a few months of my ascension to the ... umm, my election."
According to Perry, the top religion in Texas is guns, and they need not be any make or model in particular. Thanks to the second amendment, Texans can carry guns wherever they want, including to work, while out jogging, and even to the store to buy more guns. Perry said there is never a time when he doesn't carry a gun.
"Yep, I even carry my gun when I go to the bathroom for a BM," Perry noted. "And let me tell you, if any of those little turds was ever to give me any problems, I would just blow them away. It works in Texas, and it'll work for the rest of the country."
Running a close second is high school football, the services for which take place on Friday nights throughout the fall. Perry said there are few things a real Texas man loves more than to be down on his knees worshipping a bunch of sweaty high school boys in tight pants.
"And number three is our own version of Christianity where we just give as much money as we possibly can to the guy with the best hair," added Perry.
Beyond religion, Perry also pointed to the Texas economy as a good model for the entire country, including the abundance of military jobs thanks to the plethora of military installations scattered throughout the state. In addition, Perry cited statistics that show Texas accounts for 23% of the nation's oil production and said if the other states could ante up their fair share, America would be "good to go."
"How can every state account for 23% of the nation's oil?" said Democratic pundit G. Bentley Sardon. "First of all, other states can't just make themselves have more oil, and second of all, if all 50 states contributed 23%, that would add up to like 340%, which is just not possible.
"It's called math, Gov. Perry," Sardon added. "Learn it!"
Texas commissioner of tourism Alfredo Bonitez is leading the charge against many of Perry's claims, noting that not all Texans carry guns, wear cowboy hats, or eat deep-fried quesadillas or "whatever else he's been telling you."
"In fact, Texans are pretty normal compared to a lot of other U.S. citizens," Bonitez said. "Well, those of us who are citizens, that is."
Polls currently vary as to Perry's standings against President Obama. Those sponsored by Democratic organizations seem to have the president with a slight edge, 54% to 46%, while those sponsored by the GOP favor Perry, 89% to 44%.
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