Friday | November 28, 2014
Poll: Christie Least Scary, Fattest GOP Contender
Gov. Chris Christie: New Jersey's Howard Taft

TRENTON (CAP) - New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has been named the "least scary" potential GOP presidential contender in a USA Today/Gallup poll, with most other Republican hopefuls finishing at "genuinely frightening" or above.

Pressure on Christie to enter the race has escalated since last week's GOP debate, where every candidate on the stage induced feelings of "panic," "alarm" and/or "sheer terror" among a majority of viewers, according to the poll.

The overall poll results broke down as follows: Christie rated "somewhat scary," with Ron Paul finishing "pretty darn scary," John Huntsman, Bruno Tonioli, Rick Santorum and Herman Cain rating as "genuinely frightening," Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney as "intensely frightening" and Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry as "the scariest [expletive] thing I've ever seen in my life."

Fueling the fear factor, apparently, is President Barack Obama's dwindling approval ratings. Polling shows that if the election were held today, every one of the above-mentioned possible GOP candidates would defeat him handily, as would several dead people - including both Gerald Ford and Jesse Helms - and some inanimate objects, like rocks and chairs.

"With every point that he goes down, the likelihood that one of those crazies gets into office goes up," noted poll respondent Larry Critchendon of Newark, N.J., a longtime conservative voter who nonetheless said the entire slate of GOP contenders "makes my blood run cold, like the end of The Blair Witch Project."

"At least Christie seems like he wouldn't bring about the downfall of civilization, probably," said Critchendon. "At least not right away."

The poll also found that Christie was by far the largest of all the GOP contenders. "Well ... He's a fat dude," noted Critchendon.

Glomming on to the poll results almost immediately, the newly founded Born to Run Party (BRP) is "this close" to recruiting Christie and rock superstar Bruce Springsteen to anchor a 2012 presidential ticket, said party founder Mac Christiansen of Asbury Park, N.J.

Originally founded in 2009 as the American Populist Party, with a mission of appealing to the country's growing independent center, Christiansen said the name change and a Christie/Springsteen ticket would imbue the BRP with "some star power" and "hopefully enough donations to redesign our website," which currently looks like it was developed by a college intern in 1997.

Springsteen held a press conference yesterday, presumably to accept or decline the nomination, but after someone in the last row repeatedly shouted "Play Thunder Road!," Springsteen told the audience to "shut the [expletive] up" and left abruptly.

Christie, for his part, continued to insist that he'll remain in his current post, and current party, for the rest of his term.

"I'm sure any one of the current GOP contenders would make a fine president," he told USA Today. "Although Michele Bachmann is the scariest [expletive] thing I've ever seen in my life."

- CAP News Staff

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Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «»