Monday | May 25, 2015
Poll: Christie Least Scary, Fattest GOP Contender
Gov. Chris Christie: New Jersey's Howard Taft

TRENTON (CAP) - New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has been named the "least scary" potential GOP presidential contender in a USA Today/Gallup poll, with most other Republican hopefuls finishing at "genuinely frightening" or above.

Pressure on Christie to enter the race has escalated since last week's GOP debate, where every candidate on the stage induced feelings of "panic," "alarm" and/or "sheer terror" among a majority of viewers, according to the poll.

The overall poll results broke down as follows: Christie rated "somewhat scary," with Ron Paul finishing "pretty darn scary," John Huntsman, Bruno Tonioli, Rick Santorum and Herman Cain rating as "genuinely frightening," Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney as "intensely frightening" and Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry as "the scariest [expletive] thing I've ever seen in my life."

Fueling the fear factor, apparently, is President Barack Obama's dwindling approval ratings. Polling shows that if the election were held today, every one of the above-mentioned possible GOP candidates would defeat him handily, as would several dead people - including both Gerald Ford and Jesse Helms - and some inanimate objects, like rocks and chairs.

"With every point that he goes down, the likelihood that one of those crazies gets into office goes up," noted poll respondent Larry Critchendon of Newark, N.J., a longtime conservative voter who nonetheless said the entire slate of GOP contenders "makes my blood run cold, like the end of The Blair Witch Project."

"At least Christie seems like he wouldn't bring about the downfall of civilization, probably," said Critchendon. "At least not right away."

The poll also found that Christie was by far the largest of all the GOP contenders. "Well ... He's a fat dude," noted Critchendon.

Glomming on to the poll results almost immediately, the newly founded Born to Run Party (BRP) is "this close" to recruiting Christie and rock superstar Bruce Springsteen to anchor a 2012 presidential ticket, said party founder Mac Christiansen of Asbury Park, N.J.

Originally founded in 2009 as the American Populist Party, with a mission of appealing to the country's growing independent center, Christiansen said the name change and a Christie/Springsteen ticket would imbue the BRP with "some star power" and "hopefully enough donations to redesign our website," which currently looks like it was developed by a college intern in 1997.

Springsteen held a press conference yesterday, presumably to accept or decline the nomination, but after someone in the last row repeatedly shouted "Play Thunder Road!," Springsteen told the audience to "shut the [expletive] up" and left abruptly.

Christie, for his part, continued to insist that he'll remain in his current post, and current party, for the rest of his term.

"I'm sure any one of the current GOP contenders would make a fine president," he told USA Today. "Although Michele Bachmann is the scariest [expletive] thing I've ever seen in my life."

- CAP News Staff

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «»