Tuesday | April 28, 2015
Poll: Christie Least Scary, Fattest GOP Contender
Gov. Chris Christie: New Jersey's Howard Taft

TRENTON (CAP) - New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has been named the "least scary" potential GOP presidential contender in a USA Today/Gallup poll, with most other Republican hopefuls finishing at "genuinely frightening" or above.

Pressure on Christie to enter the race has escalated since last week's GOP debate, where every candidate on the stage induced feelings of "panic," "alarm" and/or "sheer terror" among a majority of viewers, according to the poll.

The overall poll results broke down as follows: Christie rated "somewhat scary," with Ron Paul finishing "pretty darn scary," John Huntsman, Bruno Tonioli, Rick Santorum and Herman Cain rating as "genuinely frightening," Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney as "intensely frightening" and Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry as "the scariest [expletive] thing I've ever seen in my life."

Fueling the fear factor, apparently, is President Barack Obama's dwindling approval ratings. Polling shows that if the election were held today, every one of the above-mentioned possible GOP candidates would defeat him handily, as would several dead people - including both Gerald Ford and Jesse Helms - and some inanimate objects, like rocks and chairs.

"With every point that he goes down, the likelihood that one of those crazies gets into office goes up," noted poll respondent Larry Critchendon of Newark, N.J., a longtime conservative voter who nonetheless said the entire slate of GOP contenders "makes my blood run cold, like the end of The Blair Witch Project."

"At least Christie seems like he wouldn't bring about the downfall of civilization, probably," said Critchendon. "At least not right away."

The poll also found that Christie was by far the largest of all the GOP contenders. "Well ... He's a fat dude," noted Critchendon.

Glomming on to the poll results almost immediately, the newly founded Born to Run Party (BRP) is "this close" to recruiting Christie and rock superstar Bruce Springsteen to anchor a 2012 presidential ticket, said party founder Mac Christiansen of Asbury Park, N.J.

Originally founded in 2009 as the American Populist Party, with a mission of appealing to the country's growing independent center, Christiansen said the name change and a Christie/Springsteen ticket would imbue the BRP with "some star power" and "hopefully enough donations to redesign our website," which currently looks like it was developed by a college intern in 1997.

Springsteen held a press conference yesterday, presumably to accept or decline the nomination, but after someone in the last row repeatedly shouted "Play Thunder Road!," Springsteen told the audience to "shut the [expletive] up" and left abruptly.

Christie, for his part, continued to insist that he'll remain in his current post, and current party, for the rest of his term.

"I'm sure any one of the current GOP contenders would make a fine president," he told USA Today. "Although Michele Bachmann is the scariest [expletive] thing I've ever seen in my life."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»