Tuesday | March 31, 2015
Poll: Christie Least Scary, Fattest GOP Contender
Gov. Chris Christie: New Jersey's Howard Taft

TRENTON (CAP) - New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has been named the "least scary" potential GOP presidential contender in a USA Today/Gallup poll, with most other Republican hopefuls finishing at "genuinely frightening" or above.

Pressure on Christie to enter the race has escalated since last week's GOP debate, where every candidate on the stage induced feelings of "panic," "alarm" and/or "sheer terror" among a majority of viewers, according to the poll.

The overall poll results broke down as follows: Christie rated "somewhat scary," with Ron Paul finishing "pretty darn scary," John Huntsman, Bruno Tonioli, Rick Santorum and Herman Cain rating as "genuinely frightening," Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney as "intensely frightening" and Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry as "the scariest [expletive] thing I've ever seen in my life."

Fueling the fear factor, apparently, is President Barack Obama's dwindling approval ratings. Polling shows that if the election were held today, every one of the above-mentioned possible GOP candidates would defeat him handily, as would several dead people - including both Gerald Ford and Jesse Helms - and some inanimate objects, like rocks and chairs.

"With every point that he goes down, the likelihood that one of those crazies gets into office goes up," noted poll respondent Larry Critchendon of Newark, N.J., a longtime conservative voter who nonetheless said the entire slate of GOP contenders "makes my blood run cold, like the end of The Blair Witch Project."

"At least Christie seems like he wouldn't bring about the downfall of civilization, probably," said Critchendon. "At least not right away."

The poll also found that Christie was by far the largest of all the GOP contenders. "Well ... He's a fat dude," noted Critchendon.

Glomming on to the poll results almost immediately, the newly founded Born to Run Party (BRP) is "this close" to recruiting Christie and rock superstar Bruce Springsteen to anchor a 2012 presidential ticket, said party founder Mac Christiansen of Asbury Park, N.J.

Originally founded in 2009 as the American Populist Party, with a mission of appealing to the country's growing independent center, Christiansen said the name change and a Christie/Springsteen ticket would imbue the BRP with "some star power" and "hopefully enough donations to redesign our website," which currently looks like it was developed by a college intern in 1997.

Springsteen held a press conference yesterday, presumably to accept or decline the nomination, but after someone in the last row repeatedly shouted "Play Thunder Road!," Springsteen told the audience to "shut the [expletive] up" and left abruptly.

Christie, for his part, continued to insist that he'll remain in his current post, and current party, for the rest of his term.

"I'm sure any one of the current GOP contenders would make a fine president," he told USA Today. "Although Michele Bachmann is the scariest [expletive] thing I've ever seen in my life."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»
Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»