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Coors Light Sends Party Train To Somalia
GOLDEN, Colo. (CAP) - As much of the world watches helplessly while drought-stricken Somalia deals with the ongoing effects of dehydration and malnutrition, one American company is taking charity to a new level. Officials for the Coors Brewing Company say the Coors Light Party Train is en route to east Africa with much needed supplies, cases of cold beverages, and a whole lot of fun.
"We hear they're very, very thirsty over there. And hot. Two things we know a little something about," said CEO Peter Swinburn. "So we've decided to send some relief to a whole new demographic. Why? Because we can.
"We just need to make sure we have the train back in time for the start of football season," Swinburn added.
As word spreads about the unique relief operation, Somali residents are flocking from rural areas to the war-ravaged capital of Mogadishu to await the arrival of the train that many hope will bring an end to the worst drought the area has seen in 60 years. Government officials say they're optimistic that Coors can do what the United Nations has so far been unable to.
"Do not get me wrong, we are of appreciating the cardboard boxes of bland freeze-dried food the UN has been dropping from the sky," said Prime Minister Abdiweli Mohamed Ali. "But man, we've been dealing with this shit for a long, long time and we could all really use an icy cold one right about now, let me tell you."
According to the schedule published on the Coors website, the Party Train will roll into the capital this weekend, barrel at breakneck speed down the main street of Bakaara Market, and slam right through the front doors of Mogadishu Stadium, enveloping the city in blizzard-like conditions for a solid five minutes. Coors officials said they'll bring the party with them when they come, and take the drought with them when they leave.
"We're not talking just preztels, honey-roasted peanuts and frosty Coors, but all the amenities as well," said Coors Marketing Manager Rupert Mullally. "They could really use some beautiful people over there to give them hope, and that's exactly what the Coors Light Girls are going to do."
Despite the growing excitement in the region, other African leaders are questioning whether sending an endless supply of beer is the best approach to solving a drought that has already affected over 11 million people. Pundits say that while the Coors method will likely be better than the time Hood airdropped pint-sized cartons of chocolate milk without any means of keeping them cold, they would have preferred to see the Somalis supplied with water.
"Oh, sure, Poland Spring could go in and hand out plastic bottles of that stale-tasting water - they won't be thirsty, but they'll still be bored," said Mullally. "We've all seen the TV ads - all those people do is sit around looking sad. Coors is going to kill two birds with one can: thirst and boredom. It's win win."
Mullally confirmed that Coors has done its due diligence by analyzing the Somali market to understand the dichotomy between what the citizens want and need. He said the Coors marketing team learned much from the great lager fiasco of 1991 when beer giant Milwaukee's Worst sent cases of its pilsner to Slovenia to help citizens celebrate that country's independence from Yugoslavia, only to have thousands of people puking in the streets.
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