Tuesday | March 19, 2024
Trapper Keeper Breast Pumps: Back To School Must

RICHMOND, Va. (CAP) - As the back-to-school selling season gets into full swing, retailers across the nation are once again filling their aisles with a full range of scholastically insignificant products.

From book bags, pencil cases and colostomy bags, to protractors, foot powder and jumper cables, the shelves are filling up with back-to-school necessities, non-necessities and anything labeled Trapper Keeper.

"I didn't even know they made Trapper Keepers anymore," said Stacy McConnell as she shopped with her husband, Vladimir, and their daughter, Juanita-LaQuisha-Ann.

"Now, it seems like they have Trapper Keeper everything," she continued, pointing to several items in her shopping cart. "Trapper Keeper nose hair clippers, Trapper Keeper deep fryers, Trapper Keeper breast pumps - It's amazing."

Stacy's husband, Vladimir, disagreed. "It ain't amazing," he said. "Breast pumps ain't got diddly-dick to do with going back to school. Ain't no reason our little Juanita-LaQuisha-Ann needs one of them-there gizmos. She's eight."

Regardless of Vladimir McConnell's sentiment, Trapper Keeper breast pumps were listed on his daughter's back-to-school supply list and "besides, all the other girls were getting one."

And the list didn't stop there. According to Juanita-Laquisha-Ann's teacher, Tipper Bobbins, before the first day of school, Juanita-LaQuisha-Ann must also obtain several other back-to-school products and services.

"She'll need a back-to-school psychic reading, a back-to-school mesothelioma lawyer, and a back-to-school anal bleaching," explained Bobbins. "And, according to the school board's policy, each of those must carry the Trapper Keeper Seal of Approval."

So how exactly did a washed-up brand of organizational binders suddenly reemerge as a back-to-school powerhouse? To answer that, CAP News spoke with Paul Prescott, Trapper's Director of Crash/Burn Mitigation, and Eugene Schmidt, Trapper's Director of Kung Fu Fighting.

"First, we have to look back at history," explained Prescott. "You see, once Def Leppard ran out of cool album covers, we ran out of cool shit to put on our Trapper Keepers. And once we ran out of cool shit to put on our Trapper Keepers, we were forced to put Billy Ray Cyrus on them. And once we did that, Trapper Keepers were screwed."

"Same thing happened to MTV," added Schmidt.

"Exactly," agreed Prescott. "And for the almost two decades that followed we struggled to maintain market visibility - barely hanging on in a paperless, Def-Leppardless society. But, all that changed when I hired Eugene."

Schmidt, a graduate of the University of Phoenix and a life long friend of a guy who knows a guy who does those sorts of things, explained how he was able to breathe life back into the brand.

"First, I had to buy off certain school board members," Schmidt recalled. "And then, through a series of tough negotiations, I established a chain of lucrative, sustainable, overseas partnerships."

"Basically, he whored us out China," Prescott clarified. "To every Chang, Dong and Huang."

"And that one guy named Bubba," added Schmidt.

"And Bubba," Prescott acknowledged.

- Amy Whidden
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2024 BY CAP NEWS
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Dell officials admit they should have spent the extra $199 to get the extended three-year warranty after purchasing EMC but didn't want to "break the bank" by overspending on the deal «» Noting he is "a friend to women," Donald Trump lashes out at Playboy's decision to remove nudity from the magazine, saying it is a misogynistic move that will put many beautiful women out of work «» Guy who created 'Throwback Tuesday' not deterred by his failure, hopes for better success with 'Shit On Your Ex Sunday' and 'Post A Viral Video Of You Doing Something Illegal Wednesday' «» Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step" «» McDonald's to begin offering 'Cranky Meals' for kids whose parents have "had it up to here" but can't be bothered to actually cook dinner «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Dell officials admit they should have spent the extra $199 to get the extended three-year warranty after purchasing EMC but didn't want to "break the bank" by overspending on the deal «» Noting he is "a friend to women," Donald Trump lashes out at Playboy's decision to remove nudity from the magazine, saying it is a misogynistic move that will put many beautiful women out of work «» Guy who created 'Throwback Tuesday' not deterred by his failure, hopes for better success with 'Shit On Your Ex Sunday' and 'Post A Viral Video Of You Doing Something Illegal Wednesday' «» Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step" «» McDonald's to begin offering 'Cranky Meals' for kids whose parents have "had it up to here" but can't be bothered to actually cook dinner «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»