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WEATHER
LeBron Claims Revenge As Heat Pummels Nation
MIAMI (CAP) - LeBron James shocked fans and detractors alike today when he claimed responsibility for the heat wave that's been punishing the bulk of the nation for more than a week.
"How you like LeBron James now, bitches?" James tweeted. "The King of the Heat is bringing the heat, and much like all the other players in the NBA, there's nothing you can do to stop me. Well, all the other players except the Mavericks, I guess."
As temperatures continued to soar across the country, CAP News contacted James via satellite phone on his 165 foot yacht Owa Tajer Kiam as he sailed aimlessly in the Southern Caribbean to obtain additional details.
"I'm the King of the Heat, and now I'm bringing it to the entire nation - black, white, red, brown - feel my heat!" James said. "Y'all thought that you could laugh at LeBron James for losing in the NBA finals, call LeBron James a choker and all that? Well, now LeBron James is the one who is laughing, and you are the ones who are choking - on 100 degree heat and 80% humidity!"
James is claiming "110%" responsibility for the heat wave, which has brought heat indexes well over 100 degrees to many areas of the continental US. Psychologists claim James is suffering from what they call Heliusia, which is a "complex combination of delusional disorder, paranoia, and dysthymia" found in people who believe they can control the weather.
"In layman's terms, he's friggin' nuts," said behavioral psychologist Delinda Simms. "LeBron James has clearly lost touch with reality if he thinks that anything he's done has had any impact on the weather, because that's just not possible.
"Well, unless he's a warlock of some kind, because then that's a different story altogether," added Simms. "But I'm pretty sure that he's not, so I'm sticking with the crazy diagnosis."
Eager to distance themselves from James' growing insanity, the Miami Heat issued a written statement to the media stating that they do not endorse his assertion that he can control the weather. "While Mr. James has been an factor in our team's recent moderate success, we feel that if and when the current labor situation with the NBA Players' Association is resolved, Mr. James will be able to best serve our team as a role bench player or a member of our practice squad.
"In addition to being someone who seems to fold under pressure in big games, he's also an unpleasant whack job," the statement read.
"It's no news that LeBron is crazy," said NBA analyst and former player Charles Barkley, "First he thought he was good enough to go right from high school to the NBA, and how's that working out for him so far? Terrible! Then he does that crazy decision special and embarrasses himself in the NBA Finals - terrible!
"Now he's saying that he has the power to control the weather?" Barkley added. "I wish I had another word for it, but that's just terrible. Terrible!"
In additional postings on Twitter, James also guaranteed that if he is ever traded, his weather control will match whichever team he is on at the time. "If LeBron James goes to the Thunder, get ready for a lot of thunder," he said. "If it's the Suns, I'll bring more sun. And if they send me to Chicago, get ready for a lot more bull.
"Let's just say that the angle of LeBron James' dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of LeBron James' meat, if you know what LeBron James is saying!" James added in response to no particular question. "Now LeBron James has to take his significant navigationalistic talents to the poop deck and figure out where the heck LeBron James is at. Should I be able to see penguins from here?"
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