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Debt Ceiling Talks Devolve Into Poopyface Bullying
WASHINGTON (CAP) - As the August 2 deadline to reach an agreement on raising the nation's debt limit looms over the United States government, reports indicate that negotiations continue to stall, even as President Obama himself issued a stern warning yesterday to politicians to finalize a resolution, cautioning, "Don't make me come in there."
Meetings between the administration and leaders from both parties have failed to produce a compromise and tensions are reportedly running high. During yesterday's press briefing, Obama described the atmosphere of the meetings as being "about as conducive to work as a six-year-old's birthday party," but downplayed reports that he had threatened to "give [lawmakers] something to cry about" before storming out of a particularly heated session.
"I did walk out, yes," Obama confirmed, saying he needed to take a few deep breaths and count to 10 after an incident involving House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA).
"I warned Rep. Cantor that, if he could not use his big boy voice during negotiations, I would not be able to listen to him," Obama added. "He was not able to use his big boy voice. Therefore, I had no choice but to follow through with a consequence."
Cantor quickly called a press conference and countered with his own account of events, stomping his feet and declaring that Obama's leaving the room was unfair, insisting that the president never, ever listens to him and is a dumbyhead.
"A big, STUPID dumbyhead," he noted.
"It's a clusterfuck," said one senior GOP aide when asked about the negotiations.
"A big, STUPID clusterfuck," Cantor yelled to reporters after House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) sent him into the hallway for a time-out.
"Boehner and Nancy Pelosi have been thumb-wrestling over spending cuts for hours," the beleaguered aide continued as he shook his head. "It looked like they were going to come to some sort of agreement, but then Pelosi announced she did not want to play with him anymore and asked an aide to give her a cootie shot."
"Thumb wrestling was obviously not the right solution," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "The Democratic leadership now believes that the One-Potato-Two-Potato method may be a better system for hammering out a compromise on the more sensitive issues, such as taxes and changes to Medicare."
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) was quick to shoot down the suggestion. "That's typical liberal thought for you. Let's give potatoes away to everyone! Why go out and get a job so you can buy potatoes when the Democrats will just hand out one potato, two potato, three potato, four, all while taxing the hardest-working Americans in order to foot the bill?
"Clearly, Rock Paper Scissors is the way to go," McConnell continued. "The role of Rock Paper Scissors in the negotiations is not something Republicans are willing to negotiate."
A small victory was won yesterday, as lawmakers from both sides of the aisle were able to reach an agreement that Eeney Meeney Miney Mo was their best course of action in determining who should be 'it' and therefore responsible for approaching President Obama to ask if the group could "pretty-please, just this once, order pizza for lunch."
It was unclear as of press time whether the request was granted, in light of Obama's controversial removal of pizza delivery from the 2012 budget.
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