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Gadhafi Says Only He Can Attack His Country
TRIPOLI (CAP) - Libyan leader Muammar Gadhafi says he is "ripped as shit" about the recent NATO air strikes in the city of Surman, asserting that his country is his and his alone to initiate attacks and incur civilian casualties. The 69-year-old head of state says now his entire summer schedule is thrown off and he may not be back on track until the fall.
"WTF, NATO, WTF!" Gadhafi tweeted from his iPhone. "I should of known u wld pull this shit on me. I cant beleve u suck so bad. Say ur sorry mofo!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Despite Gadhafi's heartfelt plea, NATO officials were unapologetic about the attack on the city west of Tripoli that resulted in 15 deaths, three of them children. However, the joint United Nations/NATO Committee for the Selection of Optional Locales Available for Bombing did provide a small northern Italian town in the Valle d'Aosta region to Gadhafi as a sort of peace offering, but he was unimpressed.
"This is how you make reparations? By offering me to attack the people who make the best cheese fondue in all of Italy?" Gadhafi decried. "Really, NATO? Really? That does not leave me satisfaction. That just leaves me hungry.
"I'm getting too old for this shit," Gadhafi added. "Just let me kill my people in peace, would you?"
Gadhafi has long maintained the right to launch offensives on his own people, going so far as to coordinate his attacks with local holidays and festivals months in advance and publish tentative military action schedules in The Tripoli Post newspaper. He also conducts a national lottery that allows Libyan citizens to purchase a chance to "stay alive for another five."
"But what makes it so exciting is you never know whether it's days, weeks or months," said one Tripoli resident. "So I spend every day herding goats like it could be my last, which makes it that much more fulfilling."
Although the U.S. has not played a large role in the Libya campaign, the White House issued a statement condemning the 40-year rule of the despot, his treatment of the Libyan citizens, and the mass confusion surrounding the true spelling of his name. President Obama threatened to "go all Osama bin Laden on his ass" if Gadhafi does not "step off."
"We do not give in to the will of terrorists, even if that will is the desire to destroy themselves," Obama told reporters after enjoying a picnic lunch on the West Lawn. "We are the United States. We will do that for you. You need not lift a finger. Holla."
However, Gadhafi was adamant in his response, telling CAP News that "killing my people is my job. When NATO does it, I don't even get a chance for my men to rape and pillage first." He lamented the lack of extracurricular activities for his military in the wake of some 4,000 different NATO-led airstrikes that have pummeled the region and said the restlessness is detrimental to their morale and he's having difficulty keeping a positive attitude.
"I just got them the first season of The Event on the Netflix, and now I learn that the show is canceled?" Gadhafi said as he shook his head. "What the hell, NBC? And no, we will not watch The Marriage Ref instead. Don't insult me."
Gadhafi said he will announce his revamped scheduled of fall attacks prior to Revolution Day on September 1st.