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Schwarzenegger Drops Family To Focus On Affairs
LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Just days after announcing that he is putting his Hollywood comeback on hold in order to focus his attention on personal matters, Arnold Schwarzenegger now says he is putting his family on the back burner in order to focus attention on his numerous illicit affairs. The news comes as membership to the website ihadanaffairwitharnold.com tops 100.
"He's no Tiger Woods, but Arnold's been busy for the past decade-plus," said site founder Gabby Pineault. "We all know about the housekeeper, but there's also the school bus driver, the lunch lady at his children's school, and the homeless woman on Alameda Street who's always muttering Bible verses.
"The list reads like a who's who of ugly America," added Pineault. "It should come as no surprise that Mildred Baena is the looker of the bunch."
Pundits say Schwarzenegger's decision to essentially turn his back on the family he created with Maria Shriver and instead concentrate on his numerous illegitimate families shows the courage and conviction that California voters saw when they elected him governor in 2003 - a move clearly being made "for the greater good."
"Once a governor, always a governor," said CAP News political analyst Tom Brashcott. "It would be easy to just apologize to his public family and call it a day. It takes a bigger man to instead put the energy into the scores of other women and children who are now part of his lineage.
"As mayor of Schwarzeneggerville, he's got this whole constituent base of offspring to think about," Brashcott noted.
Time management experts say what Schwarzenegger has decided to do is no easy feat, an approach that has been attempted and failed by many celebrities before him. Dubbed Jude's Law, the belief is that trying to juggle multiple women while in the public eye will only result in being alone and broken.
"Arnold has hired renowned time scheduler to the stars, Rita Barton," said CAP News Entertainment Editor Greta Von Cistern. "She's had fantastic success with celeb adulterers, having helped the likes of Robin Williams, Mick Jagger and Notorious BIG.
"Of course, I use the term helped loosely, what with Biggie being dead and all," added Von Cistern. "But at least he went out a happy man."
During an exclusive phone interview, Barton told CAP News that thanks to Schwarzenegger's considerable physical prowess, "which I've had the privilege of witnessing first-hand," she believes he can easily maintain an ardent schedule of servicing his lady friends while still playing the father figure to his misbegotten brood.
"Admittedly, his plate is pretty full, so he may want to consider hiring a personal assistant to help keep it all straight," Barton said. "And if she happens to be Hispanic and look like she got whacked in the face with a two-by-four, then she can serve double duty."
As many women as have come forward to acknowledge they had affairs with the former governor, twice as many have come forward to request one. However, Barton said that until Schwarzenegger can get a grip on his current flock, he won't be accepting any applications for new affairs at this time.
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