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BALTIMORE (CAP) - The National Association For The Advancement Of Colored People has announced that effective immediately, all black athletes are being pulled from historically white sports such as golf, tennis and hockey. Officials say the downsizing plan will allow them to refocus efforts on those sports where blacks already have had a great deal of success.
"Really, I think we've just been spreading ourselves too thin," said NAACP Vice Chairman Leon Russell. "I think we need to leave golf to the stodgy white guys, and we'll take the NFL TV deals and NBA endorsements."
The recent departure of Tiger Woods from The Players Championship and Venus and Serena Williams from the French Open were originally attributed to medical issues, but the NAACP confirmed to CAP News that all three are in fine physical shape and were simply "called back to the mothership."
Rumors had swirled that Woods did not complete the back nine of the opening round at Sawgrass because he was actually late for a porn shoot, but CAP News has thus far been unable to substantiate that.
"Yeah, and I honestly don't even know who we have left in the NHL playoffs, assuming those are still going on," Russell said. "Not sure what we're going to do with [Dustin] Byfuglien and [Jarome] Iginla, either. Maybe Vaudeville or something."
Not all black activists support the NAACP's decision, including Richard Williams, father of Venus and Serena, who expressed disappointment at the loss of his "cash cows" and said it will be very difficult to orchestrate his daughters' success outside the confines of the tennis court. Rev. Jesse Jackson took a break from championing the effort to obtain a sixth autopsy of Michael Jackson's decaying remains to deliver a statement about the change.
"The black man doesn't need the white man's sports to help fulfill his self worth," Jackson said at an event honoring civil rights advancements in Major League Baseball. "All we really need is his money and all y'all are doing a pretty good job of that."
The NAACP says they are pondering the idea of testing the viability of blacks in a whole new slate of sports to see where else they might be able to dominate. As such, a new committee has been tasked with researching the concept of planting exploratory blacks in a handful of sports to see how they fare.
"We're still narrowing down the list of possible sports to try, but we've already ruled out anything involving a frisbee," said NAACP Sports Search Subcommittee Chairman Alan Todd. "Oh, and we're also with you white folks on soccer: we don't get what all the other countries see in it, either."
The NAACP is also undertaking efforts to keep a positive image across the three major sports on which they have a stranglehold. To that end, the association has teamed up with Gatorade sports drinks to create a new NBA campaign similar to the "Be Like Mike" ads with Michael Jordan from the early '90s. The first in a series of "Don't Be Kobe" commercials will air this summer.
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