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Self-Inflicted Eye Gouging Hits 45-Year High
ATLANTA (CAP) - Men in the United States are gouging out their own eyes at an alarming rate, according to officials at the National Bureau of Eye Statistics (NBES). According to the NBES 2011 Annual Report, the practice is up a whopping 39% from last year, with the total number of cases this year expeceted to be the highest since 1965.
"The big question is why the sudden uptick? And why now? And why concentrated among men living in the United States?" said NBES Chief of Research Phoenix Levinson. "If they were all residents of the Pacific Northwest, that would be one thing, because eveyone knows those guys are idiots, right?
"I mean, enough with the flannel already, and Big Foot - really?" added Levinson. "But this is a nationwide trend, and we're struggling to determine the root cause. It is frustrating."
Known as Oedipussies, men who gouge out their own eyes are ruthlessly private. Scientists who have studied the phenomenon say there is a well known 'bro code' among the Oedipussies whereby anyone who even thinks about committing this odd and extreme act never talks about the reasons why.
"You just gouge out your eyes, get fitted for some Rain Man-style Ray Bans, and go on your merry way." said esteemed sociologist Fitzroy Brown. "Well, except that it's never as merry as you thought it would be, because it hurts a lot, and you can't see anymore."
While no one is completely sure of the full reasons why eye gouging has become so popular, many are pointing to what they say is the total erosion of all things manly in the United States over the past 15 years. Whereas at one time men could turn on their TV and see their hero, the mighty professional athlete, locked in an epic battle on the playing field, now they see him getting flogged by Khloe Kardashian.
Instead of seeing interesting shows about current events and politics, they see a tubby little orange troll in New Jersey getting paid $100,000 per episode to get drunk and fall down.
"Rock stars, movie legends, everyone that you admired and looked up to is selling out to be on some schlocky reality show or is being revealed as some drug-addled loser, liar, cheater, or fraud," said forensic psychologist Bill Leotardo. "It becomes such an afront to their manhood, they just can't take it anymore, so they gouge out their eyes.
"While it does nothing to solve the sorry state of the world, it means that at least they don't have to look at this crap anymore," noted Leotardo.
Ever the company to capitalize on social trends, Apple today took a first step toward shaking its new moniker as the least green tech company by unveiling the new iGouge, an all-in-one eye gouger and music player.
"Once you've gouged out your eyes, what more do you want to do than listen to a little music, right?" said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. "iGouge allows you to pop those bad boys out and immediately kick back, put your feet up, and zone out to a little Fleetwood Mac. Nice."