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ARMED FORCES
ARLINGTON, Va. (CAP) - Naval officials are applauding their own cavalier decision not to discharge an openly homosexual sailor and instead offer him an exciting career with the Navy Food Management Team. Petty Officer 2nd Class Lance McGuiness will undergo extensive schooling at the NFMT's new training facility located in Norfolk, Va. before being allowed to handle anything that could end up in another sailor's mouth.
"We had an inkling about PO McGuiness right from the beginning, such as when he told us his first name," said Navy spokesperson Vice Admiral Donald Jenkins. "Wait, strike that - I meant we had a strong suspicion. The word inkling makes me sound gay. Like PO McGuiness."
With the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," armed services officials are analyzing the effects of gay things seeping into the military so they fully understand the risks involved in lifestyle integration. The addition of McGuiness to the NFMT is part of the Navy's new "Dinner Brought To You By A Gay Man" tolerance program, designed to study the impact of implementing "a little touch of gay" in the daily lives of military personnel.
"Wow, you mean a gay guy made this?" said one officer as he dined on a lunch of stuffed chicken breast, broccoli and baked potato in the cafeteria at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md. "It's fantastic - you can hardly taste the gay at all."
McGuiness' training will include all facets of food preparation and handling, from proper cooking methods - always baked potatoes, never boiled - to best food choices - always broccoli, never cauliflower - to foods that should simply be avoided - nothing with alfredo sauce, for example.
"Or eggplant - that's just too gay," said Jenkins. "But if any gay foods do slip through, we'll just slather on some Army Butter Substitute and degayify it.
"Dammit, did I say slather?" Jenkins added. "Go with slop or something else so I don't sound so gay. Like PO McGuiness."
Other foods noticeably absent from military cuisine include beets, anything that includes the word sprouts, and marinara sauce - all staples of a typical gay diet. Although most gay advocates see McGuiness' assignment as a positive step for the role of homosexuals in the military, many are concerned that the move is designed to simply put a gay man into a straight man's shoes.
"And let's face it, straight guy shoes are wicked uncomfortable," said Richard McCarthy, president of Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders. "Can we help protect this country in loafers? You bet your pretty little head we can."
Despite the positive press this news has garnered, naval officials remain cautious in their overall approach, reassuring the public that McGuiness will wear non-latex gloves during any food handling and will undergo rigorous hand washing to ensure no sailors contract any gay-borne illnesses.
The USDA notes that consuming raw or gay-handled meat can harbor dangerous bacteria such as Salhomonella and Gay coli, resulting in abdominal pain, fever and an affinity for colorful draperies and valances.
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