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WASHINGTON (CAP) - Fresh out of new ideas with which to take issue, Republican luminary Sarah Palin today blasted President Obama for returning home from his five-day trip to Latin America without getting her at least a t-shirt. The unemployed state worker chided the president for his selfishness and said she has the mind to march him right back there this instant so he can learn a valuable lesson.
"Oh, so he has time on his little trippy-poo to authorize military action in Libya, but he can't even stop in to the airport gift shop on his way out to get me something?" Palin said as she stormed away from the White House empty-handed. "And by me I of course mean honest, hard-working Americans who have given the long-sleeved shirts off their backs for this country and are only hoping for a Hanes short-sleeved T in return."
Palin later returned to Pennsylvania Ave. where CAP News and other press outlets were still gathered on the sidewalk outside the White House, sporting a pink crewneck t-shirt emblazoned with, "My President Went To Brazil And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt I Had To Make Myself." She then rattled off something about offshore drilling, her daughter Bristol, and not being able to see Russia from her house right now because of the smoke rising from Japan, and then sped off in a waiting car.
"She's got a point - that smoke from Japan is obscuring a lot of things right now," said CAP News political analyst Tom Brashcott. "I keep waiting for the telethon so I can donate some money, but I guess George Clooney's busy shooting a movie in Michigan right now. Maybe next time."
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney later made an appearance with the press after poking his head out the front door and mouthing to us, "Is she gone?" He acknowledged Obama's blunder in not returning from his trip with a little something for his adversary and said the president is prepared to regift Palin one of the free bonus book lights that came with the Snuggie he got for Christmas a couple years ago, "much like she continues to regift herself to the American people time and again."
"Additionally, the president would like it known that at no point during his trip did he authorize military action in Libya," Carney said. "He did not say anything about stressing the need to be lucky during Libyan air strikes. What he said was that he was stressing about Libya and in need of a Lucky Strike.
"He's sorry that you all misheard him," Carney added. "You and the U.S. military and half a dozen of the world's superpowers."
Unlike previous trips abroad, Obama did not return home this time to find the White House trashed or even mail piled up by the front door. However, he likened finding Palin camped out on his front steps to the days of stepping over homeless people to get into his house in Chicago.
"She looked so cold and lost and misguided," Obama said as wife Michelle nodded in agreement beside him. "The girls wrapped her in an old tweed coat we had lying around, and we brought her in and gave her some warm soup. Not, like, Progresso or anything good, just some Chicken and Stars the girls wouldn't eat."
After she warmed up a bit, Palin regaled the Obamas with stories of growing up in Alaska, "volcanoes and dog hunting and whatnot." She then asked the president if she could sit at his desk in the Oval Office "just to try it out." As she walked the perimeter of the room, she was also overheard asking the First Lady, "Does this office make my head look big?"