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Lindsay Lohan Mulls Sex Offer From Judge
LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Celebrity disaster area Lindsay Lohan is considering an undisclosed deal to end her felony grand theft case which could keep her out of jail for the fourth time. Sources say the blonde starlet and her lawyer met privately with Superior Court Judge Keith Schwartz to discuss the details of the proposed deal.
"Oh, no doubt it was sex," said CAP News court reporter Doug Llewelyn. "You have to consider what Lindsay Lohan brings to the table - especially when she's sitting on the edge of it in a leather minidress. I'm sure the judge weighed all the options in his private chambers.
"Like Johnny Cochran always said - if it doesn't fit, you must acquit," added Llewelyn.
Lohan is looking to avoid jail time after being accused of taking a $2,500 necklace from a Venice jewelry store, a charge she adamantly denies despite inadvertently wearing the stolen necklace during her first day in court. Family and friends of the 24-year-old actress say she is so determined to prevent another stint in prison that she'll do anything to get off.
"She actually sat in the courtroom with her legs crossed at the ankles," said Lohan's mother Dina as she beamed about her daughter. "That was ten minutes of some amazing restraint - we are so proud. So, so proud."
Hollywood reporters covering the case said that throughout much of the proceedings, the offer was not a done deal until Lohan flashed a little leg and pulled the front of her shirt a little tight to "get 'er done." Law analysts speculated whether Lohan's recent decision to quit smoking would be detrimental to her ability to complete the judge's plea offer.
"Well, there's always chocolate," said noted law expert Rhett Suthers. "Or those candy cigarettes that taste like chalk. Personally, I don't think you can go wrong with a nice six-inch Almond Joy. Or Mounds, if you're not into nuts."
Pundits note that whether or not Lohan accepts Schwartz's offer will depend greatly on how large the judge's jurisdiction truly is. Many agree that he should enlist the help of council to make that determination as his own judgement is likely to be skewed by his personal views.
"Judge Schwartz has been known to recuse himself during trials involving attractive females," said Llewelyn. "My advice to the judge when he's got Lindsay Lohan sitting across from him? Don't take the law into your own hands: you take her in court."
In an unscientific poll conducted by CAP News, 78 percent agreed that Lohan should take the deal, with well over half of those also saying that the proceedings in their entirety should be videotaped and studied by law students to gain a better understanding of jurisprudence.
"This case could teach us a lot about what goes on at a ménage à tribunal," said one respondent who identified himself as a second-year Harvard law student. "I mean, at least as much as they're learning over at Northwestern."
Lohan is due back in court next week with her decision, an overnight bag and a fresh change of clothes.
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