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Warren Buffett Tired Of Saving Our Sorry Asses
OMAHA, Neb. (CAP) - Legendary investor Warren Buffett, who recently told his company's shareholders that America is on the rebound, may not be quite so optimistic as his annual letter seems to indicate. Secret memos and taped conversations illegally obtained by CAP News portray a bitter old man who is "tired of saving your sorry ass, America."
"What am I, the fucking Godfather? Did you even try to make an investment on your own? Can you at least try? Just once?" Buffet writes in one email to an institution described only as "too large to fail." The email continues with the use of such choice phrases as pansy ass, grow some balls and multiple instances of AYFKM????.
On one tape, Buffett can be heard counting money when his assistant's voice chimes in over the intercom. "Mr Buffet, China is on the phone again. They want to know if they can borrow $4 billion to lend to the Obama administration for economic stimulus packages." Buffett then instructs his assistant to make a check out to Uncle Jintao and get it in that afternoon's mail.
"I think what we're seeing here are the first cracks in the windshield that is Warren Buffett," said CAP News economic analyst Luke Isley. "America is like the kid who constantly asks to borrow the car and then constantly brings it home with no gas in the tank. Eventually Papa Warren's gonna bust a gasket."
Other documents found in the stash of Buffett paperwork seem to show a man anxious to recover from a relatively poor investment in Wells Fargo that has yet to pay the dividends he anticipated. However, bad investment after bad investment followed, from the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer to the Forearm Forklift to the NuWave Infrared Oven that cooks 50% faster and uses 70% less energy than conventional ovens.
"I stopped by to visit him one time and he's got all this late-night TV crap all over his house," said a Buffett friend who asked not to be identified. "I'm like, Warren, two dozen pairs of Pajama Jeans isn't an investment, it's a whole new lifestyle.
"And frankly, with your thighs, I'm not so sure you can pull that off," the friend added.
However, pundits point to Buffett's poor showing in the Slanket market and subsequent turnaround with the NFL Snuggie Pillow as proof that the Oracle of Omaha still has what it takes to provide a substantial return for shareholders. They say critics need look no further than the overwhelming success of the Buffett family Super Bowl party this year to know the man still gets results.
"Maybe it's time for Warren to show America some tough love," said investment expert Jim Rogers. "Even when the Fed pumped a famillion jillion dollars into the U.S. economy, America turned around and spent it all on hookers and drugs. If I were Warren, I'd be pissed, too.
"Maybe he just needs to sit back and watch when America wakes up face down on the bathroom floor, naked and hungover, and realizes China just ran off with our clothes," Rogers added.
The CAP News Audio Engineering team is planning to release the tapes because we feel it's important for the public to understand what America is up against. However, given the explosive nature and content of the tapes, the team will first be remixing and auto-tuning them because everything sounds better remixed and auto-tuned.
- CAP News Staff
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