Monday | May 20, 2013
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@RuthBaderGinsburg #LikingStuffIsSoGay
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg (front, center) pauses for a photo-op with his "Supreme Court homies."
FROM THE VAULT
May 14, 2009
New iPhone App Lets Users Talk To Each OtherNew iPhone App Lets Users Talk To Each Other
Fake Advertisement

AWARD SHOWS

Obama Offers Aguilera His Teleprompter For Grammy's

Obama Offers Aguilera His Teleprompter For Grammy's
A teleprompter technician works with Christina Aguilera as she practices for her Grammy performance.

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - President Obama made a nice gesture today when he announced at his morning press briefing that pop star Christina Aguilera was welcome to use his teleprompter during her singing appearance at the Grammy's this Sunday. The generous offer comes on the heels of Aguilera's performance of the national anthem at the Super Bowl where she forgot some of the lyrics.

"As a man who doesn't speak unless, uhh, the words are written and scrolling in front of my face, I feel for Ms. Aguilera's situation," Obama said. "As such, I will be, uhh, more than happy to have my people drop off my teleprompter for her on Sunday afternoon and, uhh, pick it back up later that evening.

"I've given it a lot of thought and, uhh, I think I can go a handful of hours without needing to talk," the president added.

Aguilera has not publicly stated that she'll take the president up on his offer, but sources close to the 30-year-old singer say she "breathed a huge sigh of relief" upon hearing of it. The New York native is scheduled to take the stage at the Grammy's along with four other singers to perform a music medley tribute to Aretha Franklin, who is recovering from surgery back in December.

"She's just been a bundle of nerves since the Super Bowl, smacking her head with her hand and saying stupid stupid stupid over and over again," said a close friend of Aguilera's. "And for the Grammy's, she has to know the lyrics to, like, six songs for the medley, which we wondered might be five and a half songs too many.

"We were telling her that because there are other singers with her, if she forgets the lyrics, just mouth the word apple until she finds her place," added the friend. "Hopefully they weren't planning on her doing a solo."

Critics of Aguilera's star mangled banner performance say some Aretha Franklin songs could be a good way to kick off her Lyric Comeback Tour 2011, with one allowing her to just repeat the word Chain over and over again and another simply requiring her to spell the word Respect. "Or maybe she can be the one in the background tossing in that extra Think! during that song's chorus," noted one music industry insider.

"Hell, if they play it right, she won't need the teleprompter at all," added the pundit. "She can just write the words on her hand and she'll be golden. Unless she gets sweaty, then all bets are off."

But President Obama said he really thinks the teleprompter is Aguilera's best bet, recalling the time he tried to jot a few notes for a campaign speech onto the palm of his hand rather than use the teleprompter. He ended up flubbing his way through the speech, blurting out random campaign promises off the top of his head since he couldn't remember what he had prepared beforehand.

"You see, The Man only makes dark ink and it didn't show up so well," Obama noted. "Thankfully nobody remembers all those wacky campaign promises I made or else a lot of people could very well dislike me."

Pundits agree that Aguilera should not underestimate the power of Obama's teleprompter, pointing out that it even has its own Facebook page.

- CAP News Staff
[COMMENT]
MORE showbiz NEWS
Rolex Submariner
bobswatches.com
Fake Advertisement

SponsoredTweets referral badge

  • Banner Stands
    » Browse banner stands by Post-Up Stand. Trade Show Displays, Retractable Banner Displays, and more. High quality, 48 hour turnaround time!
  • Prom Dresses 2013
    » Searching for the perfect dress to wear on your big night? Take a look from these styles who top the best-dressed lists all the time!
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2013 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs." «» Celebrity drunk Mel Gibson has come to the defense of Reese Witherspoon after the actress was charged with disorderly conduct during her husband's DUI stop. "That dyke didn't even use a single racial epithet," Gibson noted. "So the Jew media had better just leave that Episcopalian bimbo the hell alone!" «» Singer Carrie Underwood is facing vandalism charges today after digging her key into the side of a vehicle owned by Academy of Country Music chairwoman Sarah Trahern and slashing a hole in all four tires. "And maybe next time she'll think before she picks Entertainer Of The Year," Underwood said. «» Justin Bieber continues to lash out via social networking, this time accusing the media of fabricating stories about him taking a trip to rehab. "That Selena Gomez breakup must have hit him really hard," said gossip columnist Perez Hilton. "Because he clearly needs to get laid in a bad way." «» Police in Nicasio, Calif. have arrested actor Billy Dee Williams on charges of trespassing after he was caught banging on the door of Skywalker Ranch, demanding that George Lucas include him in the newest Star Wars movie. He threatened to "go Boba Fett on your ass, George!" if he wasn't. «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «»
Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs." «» Celebrity drunk Mel Gibson has come to the defense of Reese Witherspoon after the actress was charged with disorderly conduct during her husband's DUI stop. "That dyke didn't even use a single racial epithet," Gibson noted. "So the Jew media had better just leave that Episcopalian bimbo the hell alone!" «» Singer Carrie Underwood is facing vandalism charges today after digging her key into the side of a vehicle owned by Academy of Country Music chairwoman Sarah Trahern and slashing a hole in all four tires. "And maybe next time she'll think before she picks Entertainer Of The Year," Underwood said. «» Justin Bieber continues to lash out via social networking, this time accusing the media of fabricating stories about him taking a trip to rehab. "That Selena Gomez breakup must have hit him really hard," said gossip columnist Perez Hilton. "Because he clearly needs to get laid in a bad way." «» Police in Nicasio, Calif. have arrested actor Billy Dee Williams on charges of trespassing after he was caught banging on the door of Skywalker Ranch, demanding that George Lucas include him in the newest Star Wars movie. He threatened to "go Boba Fett on your ass, George!" if he wasn't. «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «»