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President Obama Delivers First STFU Address
WASHINGTON (CAP) - As the initial optimism over the president's second SOTU address gives way to the usual bi-partisan bickering and finger-pointing that is the hallmark of the US political process, Barack Obama took to the podium to deliver his first STFU address to the members of Congress.
"Listen, I spoke for over 60 minutes the other night and all anyone can focus on is guns," said Obama. "So I didn't talk about guns. STFU.
"It's bad enough I have to deliver the SOTU during primetime TV, but then the media has to go and rehash everything I just said and totally screw up everyone's DVR settings," Obama continued. "So listen, just STFU, all of you. And enough with the damn whining. You're grown-ups, for crying out loud.
"Get a grip," Obama added while Congress sat stunned. "And STFU."
At one point, as congressional leaders began to stand and offer a round of applause, the president interrupted, commanding them to "sit down and STFU." He then lit into them about how many times they broke into applause during the SOTU, noting it got so ridiculous that they gave a standing ovation to Joe Biden as he snuck back to his seat from a quick trip to the restroom.
"If you weren't so busy clapping and actually paying attention, you'd know that I didn't say anything about an earmark ban, but rather an earring ban," Obama said. "Left is right, right is wrong. It works all across America and should work just fine in both chambers of Congress. You don't like it? Tough. STFU."
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) provided the WTF rebuttal on behalf of the Tea Party, telling President Obama that "I know you are but what am I" and calling him a "stupidhead." This after she could be seen on camera during the STFU address whispering to Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH) beside her that Obama was a "poopyface" and had "caca-breath."
"WTF is up with not signing that Balanced Budget Amendment? WTF is up with spending money we don't have?" said Bachmann. "And WTF is up with this cameraman? I'm over here, WTF. This is exactly what I'm talking about. If I were Democrat, I bet we wouldn't have this issue. WTF."
Meanwhile, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) offered the official AYFKM Republican response, which he delivered while lounging in a hammock and sipping a cocktail. As he spoke, scantily-clad women fluffed his pillow, topped off his drink, and brought him a variety of exotic fruits and cheeses.
"This is a future in which I have earned my spot on this hammock and I look around and I don't see anyone who can give me a push. AYFKM?" said Ryan as he tried to rock himself in the hammock, to no avail. "If government growth is left unchecked, you too will find yourself without someone to give your hammock a push and you'll just be lying there saying to no one in particular - AYFKM?"
Sources close to Obama say the president was pleased with how the speech went, even going so far as to veer from the six scripted STFU's and throw in a couple more of his own. "That's the kind of president we have," said the source. "He doesn't need the teleprompter to know when to tell everyone to STFU."