Thursday | March 23, 2017
Patriots Heading To Super Bowl "Just In Case"
The NFL's greatest tactician surveys the site of Super Bowl XLV as he tries to figure out how to get his team into the game.

FOXBORO, Mass. (CAP) - Despite having been eliminated from the NFL playoffs at the hands of the New York Jets, the New England Patriots continue to practice on a daily basis and are planning to head to Dallas for Super Bowl XLV. Sources close to the team tell CAP News the players fully understand the tough road that lays ahead of them.

"Yes, preparing for a game that you're not actually involved in does present some unique challenges," said quarterback Tom Brady. "But like coach says, with the right level of preparation, anything is possible. We just need to focus on the task at hand and not worry about what's going to happen a week, two weeks from now."

News of the Patriots' unexpected post-season plans comes as the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers get ready to make their way to Dallas, both having won all the necessary playoff games to be official participants in the Super Bowl. Even though the Vegas line favors Green Bay by 2.5 points, football pundits say the Patriots could throw a monkey wrench into the works.

"Listen, Bill Belichick is a genius and if anyone can figure out how to get the Patriots into the Super Bowl at this point in the season, it's Bill Belichick," said ESPN Sunday Countdown analyst Tom Jackson. "With that in mind, I think I'm gonna have to change my pick and say Patriots by seven.

"And by making that pick, what I'm really doing is picking one of the other teams that I didn't pick to help them get fired up for the game," added Jackson. "It's all part of that psychological thing that I do."

Most football experts agree that the only way to beat the Patriots is to get "fired up" for the game, even if the Patriots aren't playing. Much like when Brady played the 2008 Super Bowl hopping on one foot, the Patriots star quarterback will have the added challenge of playing this year's game while wearing a walking boot after having just undergone successful surgery on his right ankle.

Despite the obvious physical impairment, the current NFL injury report lists Brady as probable. However, as was his standard approach during the regular season, Bill Belichick refused to discuss the health of his players, focusing instead on his team's ability to pull off the "playoff sneak" in the next game.

"If Tom is hurt, I'm not aware of it and it's not a factor," Belichick said during a press conference about the Patriots' Super Bowl plans. "Right now we're focused on studying tape of Cowboys Stadium so we know how to get past security and onto the field. Once we're there, then we'll worry about the actual game itself."

Patriots officials said the coaching staff ran a simulated game against the Jets and the Steelers during the AFC Championship and beat them both, "and that was while Tom was on the operating table." In addition to studying tape, the team is also working on a game plan against the Steelers and one against the Packers, noting that "we'll play both teams if we have to."

Neither the Packers nor Steelers have released any official comment about the Patriots' announcement. However, CAP News caught up with Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger at a freshman mixer on the University of Pittsburgh campus where he acknowledged the Patriots as "a formidable opponent both on and off the field."

He then shooed us away, mumbling something about "cramping [his] style" and "if [coach Mike] Tomlin asks, I'm at home studying footage of the Packers' secondary."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2017 BY CAP NEWS
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»