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BIG BUSINESS
Steve Jobs Takes Leave Of Absence From Being Rich
SEATTLE (CAP) - Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs has announced that is going to take a leave of absence from being "stinking, filthy rich" and live life for a while like a typical consumer. This contradicts earlier reports that the company frontman was taking a leave of absence due to his health, which he assures fans is "as good as when I was 54."
"For a while now, most of my bodily functions have been controlled by the little-known app, iPee," Jobs said as he walked to the end of his driveway to get his own mail for the first time in 20 years. "But I've decided to shut it down and give the whole thing a go myself - you know, like a regular person.
"Hey, look, I may have already won a million dollars," Jobs noted as he flipped through the mail. "I guess being a regular person isn't so bad after all."
As part of Jobs' personal restructuring, he has fired his breakfast and lunch chefs, his weekend chauffeur, and the two 12-year-olds who mow his lawn, and has vowed to separate his own whites and darks beginning next month. He has also sold off two of his five 60-inch HD plasma TV's and instead replaced them with 50-inch LCD versions. He said it feels good to "get rid of the excess."
"I may even buy myself a PC," Jobs added. "You know, see how the other 92.21% live."
Some industry analysts expect Apple shares to tumble on word of Jobs' departure from the elite because most regular people don't own stock or get dividend checks or even read the business section of the newspaper. However, many believe the $65 billion company is in good hands with the current slate of extremely rich, overpaid executives controlling Apple's interests.
"In the wake of Steve's departure, I have been given approval to charter three additional luxury private yachts this fiscal year, each stocked with more Beluga caviar than you can shake an iPhone at," said Apple COO Tim Cook. "And yes, there's an app for that."
While the business world appears to be poised to move forward without Steve Jobs' wealth to keep them afloat, sources say the reaction from his family has been less supportive. Children Erin and Eve have reportedly staged protests in the Jobs' living room over having to empty both the trash and the dishwasher, a move many say could cut down their free time by 20 minutes per day.
"You know, his yearly salary is only a dollar - I don't know where else people think we can cut," said wife Laurene as she debated over which bottle of Clos Du Mesnil to use for that day's champagne fountain. "I mean, for crying out loud, he's upstairs right now trying to log on to our neighbor's unsecured wireless network.
"That's not the money I married," added Laurene. "I mean man. That's not the man I married."
Despite the rift at home, Jobs says he's dedicated to making his new life as a regular person work, even if it is just temporary. Gone are the long-sleeved black St Croix turtlenecks and New Balance 991 sneakers, replaced with Faded Glory turtlenecks from the Wal-Mart discount rack and a pair of Dr Scholl's running shoes.
"It's really just about living within your means, that's all," said Jobs. "Now if you'll pardon me, I want to get one more game of polo in with Chaz and the boys before we till the field to turn it into a vegetable garden."
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