Thursday | December 8, 2016
WikiLeaks Publishes Confidential Docs On Santa

BOSTON (CAP) - As the United States reels over the release of tens of thousands of potentially damaging classified documents comes word that WikiLeaks has now set its sights on Santa Claus with the publication of hundreds of memorandums and other materials that site founder Julian Assange says "could take down the entire Christmas holiday."

"You could call it the pinnacle of lies and deceipt," Assange told CAP News in a phone interview. "What we have here is parental corruption the depth of which our society likely cannot fathom. The fabrications have gone on for so long that people have stopped questioning the veracity of what they're told."

According to a series of documents faxed to CAP News prior to their impending release on the WikiLeaks website, the singular figure known to children worldwide as Santa Claus or a variation thereof is actually a mythical entity perpetrated by parents and other trusted adults mostly in secrecy but often openly in disguise. The memos detail knowledge and involvement as high up as the North American Aerospace Defense Command.

"Clearly Julian Assange has his own interests at heart and not those of our children," said Pentagon spokesman Philip Crowley. "Or else he would understand the need to use the threat of coal in the stocking to help keep children in line for at least one month out of the year.

"For most of us, it's all we have," added Crowley.

Some of the most fascinating documents that WikiLeaks has obtained are about so-called Mall Santas, depicting men in various states of personal hygiene and sobriety hiding their true identities behind fake beards and brightly colored clothing and charging outrageous sums of money for children to visit with them. Assange says the danger of letting this go on is greater than the danger of stopping it.

"What parent in their right mind would place their child onto the lap of a stranger and then let that stranger's friends snap pictures of them?" Assange said. "Oh, but it's okay because this stranger will break into your house in the middle of the night and leave you some toys you want. Can you say hush money?"

While it may be too late to undo the damage to older, more savvy children, State Department officials say they hope the high illiteracy levels among children under the age of five can help stem the flow of hurtful information to a generation not yet tainted by blatant commercialism or acts of aggression committed under the guise of capitalist greed meant to illustrate some faux depth of parental love.

"Is this embarrassing? Yes. Is this awkward? Yes. Can parents recover from it? You betcha," said U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "Much like when a child innocently comes across that box of condoms stashed away in a dresser drawer and asks what they are, parents will perservere and will make it through another holiday season relatively unscathed."

Meanwhile, in the wake of Julian Assange's arrest in London comes word that the WikiLeaks website has placed a file on its main page called tooth_fairy.aes256, encrypted with a 256-bit AES key. U.S. intelligence officials have thus far been unable to crack the file, which contains supposed doomsday documents that Assange says will "blow the lid off what's left of any parental dignity" if he is detained for too long.

- CAP News Staff

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