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ENGLAND
LONDON (CAP) - Though he says he's ready to fulfill all of the other duties associated with being the best man in his brother's upcoming wedding, word from Buckingham Palace is that Prince Harry is going to call in an expert to organize the all-important bachelor party: American golfing great Tiger Woods.
"Everyone knows that William and Kate's is going to be the wedding of the century and as best man, it is incumbent on me to put on the bachelor party of the century to match," Prince Harry said in a written statement. "As I've not been well versed in that sort of thing, I have contracted the world's foremost authority on partying.
"I can tell you with utmost certainty that all of William's friends, including our dad Charles, are extremely excited for the opportunity to learn from a master like Tiger," the statement read. "In fact, I have asked the Queen herself to consider knighthood for Mr. Woods, if he does a good job, which we all know he will."
British Royal Family pundits are lauding the move as both necessary and key to the success of the bachelor party. Coleman Winthorpe, a leading expert on the Royal Family and author of the best-selling novel London Calling: The Real Royals, said the only downside to hiring Woods is that the sex addict is so cool that Harry faces the possibiliy of not even getting invited to the party itself.
"Harry is known throughout the UK as somewhat of a dweeb - a nerd if you will," noted Winthorpe. "Let's face it - he's basically lamer than the red-headed kid from Harry Potter. But one thing the Royals have always been good at is getting other people to do things for them, as they're really not capable of doing anything for themselves."
Historically, bachelor parties for members of the Royal Family have traditionally been very understated, according to Malcolm Fish of the BBC. He noted that in the 1950s, the bachelor party for Prince Alastair consisted of a cribbage tournament, and then in 1977, friends brought Prince Richard to a viewing of Star Wars for his bachelor party.
"Suffice it to say that we've never seen anything the likes of what one would imagine Tiger Woods could cook up," said Fish. "I'm not sure that this will end well for William - or Harry for that matter. As they say, a word to the wise is sufficient."
Critics question whether Woods' rise and fall in the U.S. makes him a good candidate for such an important event, but golf analysts point out that Tiger is still a hero in England, thanks to the more relaxed nature of Europeans toward things like drug use and multiple sexual partners.
"In fact, Britons lost a lot more respect for him for how bad his performance was on the golf course this year than any of the partying or sex stuff," said sports psychologist Vivian Poole. "We take golf very seriously. Seriously."
For his part, Woods seems excited and up to the challenge, saying that this role gives him the opportunity not only to throw a great party for Williams, but also show the world that he is back. "Not the golfing me or the charity-giving me, but the party-like-a-rock-star me," Woods clarified.
"Dude, for real, we're going to have strippers and hookers and barnyard animals and X and 'shrooms and purple drank," Woods told CAP News as he got more and more excited. "I swear to God, when I get done with that guy, he's going to feel like he was in a high-speed car wreck."
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