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U.S. ECONOMY
Fed Pumps A Famillion Jillion Dollars Into Economy
WASHINGTON (CAP) - As investment pundits and Wall Street financiers wrap their arms around the impact of the Federal Reserve's decision to pour $600 billion into the economy, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke has announced plans to "open the floodgates of economic stimulus" by pumping another trillion gazillion dollars into the hands of the American people.
"It stands to reason that if billions will help the economy a lot, then kabillions will help the economy a whole lot," Bernanke said. "It's Macroeconomics 101, people. Or maybe 102. I mean, even my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter gets it."
Given the magnitude of the economic program, the Fed estimates it will take six to eight months to fully implement and will require the US Bureau of Engraving and Printing to increase production of all bill denominations $20 and lower by 250%. In order to expedite the delivery of money to the consumer, the Treasury Department will be setting up an 800 number that registered voters can call to place an order for the amount of money they need.
"That's stimulus, baby!" said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner when asked about the Fed's approach. "You keep spending, we'll make more. You thought the housing bubble was crazy, you just wait till we drop a hojillion bucks into the economy. President Obama can thank me later."
Critics point to Geithner's comparison of the Fed's plan to the housing crisis as the main reason why it's doomed to fail, but economists say that will likely take a while - long enough for Americans to reap the rewards and enjoy a good half dozen years of prosperity before it all crumbles to the ground.
"Come on, presidents have been doing this since before the dawn of time," said economist Harvey Dittmer with the Brand America Project, an independent think tank in Chicago. "You do whatever you have to in order to keep things running smooth during your own administration, and then let the next guy deal with the fallout.
"Listen, we're not a long term-planning kind of people," Dittmer added. "Just throw us some immediate gratification and call it a day. Fat, dumb and happy - it's what we're all about."
Dittmer also noted that typically this type of approach would do more harm than good to the US economy because if everyone has an unending supply of money, it devalues the dollar and lowers its purchasing power. However, he said that because everything we consume is made in China, instead of having a negative impact on our economy, it pushes the problem overseas.
"Improve America and take a swipe at China at the same time?" said Dittmer. "That's win-win. And probably saves Hillary from having to take another trip."
Other countries who were quick to criticize the Fed's original $600 billion plan have yet to comment on the newest US economic effort, perhaps due to the confusion over exactly how much money is involved. German officials expressed concern over what the move means to their lucrative bratwurst export business.
"First David Hasselhoff and now this?" said German Finance Minister Wolfgang Schauble. "And what the hell is a rotillion dollars, anyway? Don't piss on my bratwurst and tell me it's raining money."
In order to help publicize the effort, the Federal Reserve will be launching a "Got Money?" television ad campaign beginning next week.
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