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Study: Office Workers Will Eat Literally Anything
Nothing like a little slurry & chips in between conference calls.
Study: Office Workers Will Eat Literally Anything

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center shows that the average American office worker will eat anything put in front of him or her, as long as it's free of charge.

The study, conducted surreptitiously at more than 100 offices across the country, presented office workers with such meals as haggis, tripe and soft-boiled fetal duck, which is considered a delicacy in Vietnam and the Philippines. In each case, the meal was left in a well-traveled area - lunchroom, conference room, on a file cabinet, etc. - along with a sign such as Tripe - Please Eat!

"The results were fascinating," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Center. "No matter what the time of day, in every case, the dish was clean in less than an hour." Spitznagel noted that typically it took no longer than 15 minutes, but that a small lag time on the fetal duck skewed the average slightly.

In the second phase of the study, food was left without any type of identifying sign. "And we made sure it was also completely unrecognizable as foodstuff," said Dr. Spitznagel, noting that in one case they left a metal pot full of the pink meat paste used to make chicken nuggets - also known as mechanically separated poultry - along with a spoon and a stack of Styrofoam bowls.

"It was gone in an hour and a half," said Spitznagel.

Study: Office Workers Will Eat Literally Anything
The CAP News Forensics Team was unable to identify this, but they ate it anyway.

The Pew study showed that employees in all professions were prone to eating food found around the office, although some were especially susceptible. For instance, print journalists were the most likely to suffer trample injuries while trying to beat their fellow workers to the last slice of crumb cake.

"Let's face it, we never know where our next meal is going to come from," said Karl Fender, a sports reporter for the Patriot Ledger in Quincy, Mass., where six employees have been hospitalized during free snack stampedes in the last year alone.

By contrast, when even very desirable food, like Godiva chocolates or filet mignon, was put out with a sign asking for a small donation - say, 50 cents or a dollar - the food was almost universally ignored, except by people who would take it without paying. Then, when the snacks had turned hard and grey, the donation sign would be removed and the food would be gone within hours.

Spitznagel said the study might help prevent further incidents like the highly publicized one in Eden Prairie, Minn., last April, when an employee of a small accounting firm turned her back on a personal plastic container filled with mescaline powder that she'd left briefly on a counter. Within seconds, employees had sprinkled it on a nearby tray of old brownies left over from someone's child's birthday party and ingested it.

"It was a horrible scene, all those accountants looking at their ledger books and suddenly seeing a series of kaleidoscopic gyrating cubes," recounted Sheriff Biff Markenson of the Eden Prairie Sheriff's Department. "It resulted in dozens of their clients defaulting wildly on their taxes.

"And the shame of it is, the container had been clearly labeled, Kathy's Mescaline - Do Not Use!" said Markenson.

- CAP News Staff
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Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» A local auction house is accepting bids on a rock that came from astronaut Neil Armstrong's shoe. "No, it's not a moon rock or anything like that," said a spokesperson. "I think it got stuck in his shoe while he was working in his garden. But what a conversation piece!" «» Investigators in Boston have uncovered some key evidence at the site of Monday's explosions: a piece of intact resolve in the debris. "We're still determining the origins of the resolve, but one thing's certain," said an FBI source. "This shit wasn't made in China. This is 100% pure American resolve." «» The U.S. Supreme Court has handed down a decision on same-sex marriages, voting 5-4 that "all marriage is gay." Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy questioned why anyone would voluntarily choose a situation that involves dealing with in-laws on a regular basis, noting that "having in-laws is so queer." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «» The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs." «» A new study suggests tomatoes may be unhealthy because we've been consuming them incorrectly. "We all grew up thinking tomatoes were a vegetable when they're actually a fruit, yet we continue to serve them like a vegetable," said one researcher. "We're eating them wrong, and it's going to cost us." «»