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Pete Rose Thrilled To Join White House Staff
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Former Cincinnati Reds player and manager Pete Rose says he is "honored, flattered and thrilled" to be selected by President Obama as the new White House Chief of Staff, replacing the outgoing Rahm Emanuel. The new appointment comes courtesy of a typo in the official paperwork filed with the Office of Equal Employment Opportunity.
"A staffer who shall remain nameless but who is now jobless accidentally left out a 'u' in the, uhh, employment papers," Obama told reporters at this morning's press briefing. "That said, we are willing to take a gamble on a man who is, uhh, no stranger to mistakes."
Obama said he has already met with Rose to discuss some of the baseball legend's "out of the box" ideas for ways to help improve the economy, including a government-sponsored lottery program, a White House casino night, and a few other things that "are probably best left under the general heading of economic stimulus."
"Let's just say there will be a significant dip in the unemployment rate if the [Minnesota] Twins win the World Series," Obama noted.
For his part, Rose said that while he still pines to be in the Baseball Hall Of Fame, being able to work in the White House is "a pretty close second." He said the experience he brings to the table being able to keep creditors at bay should be an immense help with the amount of money the U.S. owes other countries.
"That 50 large I'm in with Billy Castella is nothing compared to what we owe the Chinese," Rose said. "And nobody here's got any broken legs, so it's all good. I think I'm gonna like it here.
"Hey, uhh, what channel are the Flagler simulcast dog races on?" Rose asked.
Meanwhile, GOP critics salivated at word of the appointment, falling all over themselves to be the first to offer up a pithy soundbite about how Obama is single-handedly bringing down the American empire. They pointed to this as yet another example of the president aligning himself with unsavory characters like Jeremiah Wright, Zeituni Onyango, and Joe Biden.
"Listen, you wanna add some of the Big Red Machine to try to save your presidency, I'm all for that," said Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX). "But how about George Foster or Tony Perez or Dave Concepcion - hell, even friggin' John Vukovich, for crying out loud."
Obama admitted he's open to the idea of beefing up his inner circle of advisors with "guys who know how to get 'er done," but wants to see how Rose pans out first. He said that if it comes down to it, he would prefer to call on some of the South Side Hitmen, "like Rich Gossage or Oscar Gamble or Richie Zisk."
"Or, uhh, maybe someone who wasn't traded away," Obama added. "Is Carlton Fisk still playing? I could have used him on my fantasy team."
Obama also said that in light of these events, he's giving thought at adding a closer to his administration to help seal the deal with Senate Republicans constantly on him for every decision he makes. "And I don't mean that annoying Kyra Sedgwick woman, either," he said. "Anyone know what Dennis Eckersley is up to these days?"
- CAP News Staff
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